Dear Anne Hodgeman,
Why would you ever choose to eat dog food? I also eat dog food but still it is for good reason. Unlike you with your editorial post and your column the only thing I have to my name is a CISCO box and an aluminum foil hat to protect me from government probes (they are watching all the time). So when someone read this I was mad for two reasons, one: he took the blanket I just made and two: some rich lady can just decide to eat dog food. I wish I could just decide for the purple triceratops to stop stealing my shoes. I mean me on my interpretive dance and panhandling salary and you on your writer’s salary does not make us equal. You could buy the finest of steaks and sandwiches and when I go grocery shopping with five dollars I do the very little math I actually know to decide what to get. “Let’s see,” I think to myself, “I can get one box of cereal or three bags of dog food. Dog food it is!” And when you think to yourself that this person can write a pretty decent letter why doesn’t he just work for a fast food restaurant, I think you should know that right know I am dictating this letter to a man who says he has five bachelor’s degrees and all the knowledge he has learned has given him a negative outlook on life and… DON’T TAKE MY DOG FOOD GARY THAT’S MINE! IT TOOK ME TWENTY MINUTES TO DANCE MY WAY INTO GETTING THE MONEY FROM A LADY IN A PURPLE WHIG! Wait… Did you just type that up? No you’re supposed to by writing what I say about the dog food now this lady is going to think I’m crazy. Did you just type that two? Uggh well I guess I better back to making my spaceship to escape the zombie-pirate-robot invasion that’s going to happen next week, I’m going to need a lot of dog food to get through that,
Sincerely yours,
Rupert
(Dictated by Rupert Light Foot Johnson, Typed by Farthington Markindoch Esq.)
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