(R) No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch

Hey, Ann Hodgman here again with another exciting adventure in the world of animal food. Today I’m going to be exploring the world of the ferocious ferret and of course what they eat. This is probably going to be my most favorite segment due to the fact that I have always loved the curious nature of the ferret.
I had to do a little bit of research for this project due to the low popularity of ferret food, but I found 4 brands of feed that seemed the most interesting to me: Ferret Turkey-Venison-Lamb blend from totally ferret, the premium style of Evo ferret, 8 in 1 ferret chicken dinner from 8 and 1 ferret, and my favorite Browns. It was actually rather difficult to pick out 5 brands that looked the most appetizing due to the low amount of brands on the market, but ya gotta deal with what ya got.
First off I tried the 8 in 1 ferret chicken dinner; it was a meal inside a meal. The title wasn’t lying when it said 8 in one; this food had 8 different horrifying cycles to the never ending taste bud burning train. I actually had to endure, first, the wet, plastic like texture of the food and the dry chicken taste. That wasn’t even the worst part, when the food actually goes down your throat the adventure begins. You start to feel wheezy and have a burning sensation in your legs. The next 6 stages come with what comes up. I would advise that no one to even think of partaking of this dreaded dish. Luckily I was in for a treat for the next meal.
The next dish that continued my endeavor was the Evo ferret meal, which is said to release your inner carnivore. I had many doubts about my inner carnivore experiencing anything like a full awakening, but I began chomping down the dry cereal like substance. The first phase of this meal was actually quite delight able, with its rich turkey flavor. I actually believed that I was eating a full coarse turkey dinner. I can’t say great things about the second phase however. The bland chicken after taste left an agonizing taste in my mouth for almost thirty minutes. I recommend having a glass of water by your side if you ever attempt to eat this. All in all I would definitely recommend this to anyone willing to eat ferret food.
The third dish of my dim-witted adventure was the Ferret Turkey-Venison-Lamb blend. I would describe this as a torture of your taste buds. Even if I was trapped on an island, I would never eat this stuff again. The lamb and turkey gave it a blood filled flavor that destroyed my enjoyment of meat for a few months, but that’s not the worst part. The Venison flavor showed its true colors on its way down, this taste gave me the idea that I was eating road kill. I couldn’t stop screaming when I was eating this ferrets delight; I actually ran to my water cooler and drank straight from the faucet.
The last dish was probably the most awkward experience of my life. I decided to try the browns. This ferret’s nightmare is called browns for a reason. I’m not going to go into detail of what actually happened with the browns, due to its awkward nature, but I will recommend lots of pepto. Aside from the “brown” effect, the taste of this meal wasn’t actually all that bad. It gave me the feeling that I was eating a delicious chocolate power bar. The chocolaty goodness was too much for me to handle, thus resulting in, well you know what. Don’t let the taste fool you though, like I said before this has a special “brown” effect to it and may result in the loss of a toilet.
Luckily this was my last meal for the, and I was stuffed. Other than the fact that I was afraid to eat meat for a month and my bowels got a full cleaning service, this adventure wasn’t all that bad. Well that’s all have for you for this segment, join me next time for my adventure into the eatery of turtles.