Ann Hodgman; No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch (R)

Dear Max,
Hey buddy, how’ve you been? I have an insane story to tell you. Seriously- insane. So, the other day, Annie gets home from the grocery store. She brings in her people food, and sets it on the counter. Here I am, digging through diapers in the trash, thinking, this is normal. She walks back out to her car, and comes into the house with another bag filled with an arsenal of heavenly dog food. You can only imagine my excitement!
Now Ann begins to unpack can after can of this food from the gods. It was like Pluto had his paw of approval on these babies! So here I am, getting all excited. I’m thinking, you know, that I get to try all this new chow! Then, the unexpected happens. She opens breaks out a Gaines-burger, and inspects it. Then she casually walks towards the stove, and plops the Gaines-burger into the skillet! Dog! I like my food warm, but is a skillet really necessary? Hello, microwave! Then she tries some cheese. My cheese. Annie chews it right up and swallows, then goes for some of the meat. Meat that should be for me. I don’t think she liked it, upon trying it she tossed it into the sink and then stared at in horror.
Next, she pulls the canned Cycles out of her grocery bag. Remember when we had those at your doghouse once? Those delectable nuggets made us barking mad! To say the least, Ann didn’t like them nearly as much. She had no problem with eating them, she was starting to just grin-and-bear-it.
When she moved on to the Pedigree Select Dinners, you know-the one with that cocky Yorkie on the can. The instant she opened the can, the enticing aroma of meat filled the room. I could feel my tail subconsciously raise and my ear perk up. I zeroed in on the can, staring it down like that rabid squirrel gang we saw in the park last week. Her thumb and forefinger moved gingerly towards the devilishly delicious scented meat in the can. She began to slowly draw one of the chunks out, when she saw a vein hanging out of the meat. Needless to say, I thought she would blow chunks. It took her about thirty minutes and five magazines to regain her stomach and try the food, which, once again, should have been for me.
I can’t forget the dog-treats trials! Here my Annie is, in my plain sight, eating delicious Milk-Bones and Bonz! She didn’t even have to play dead to get one! I cannot tell you how hard it was to fight my urge to hide her shoes and take the treats. When she finds those shoes she can have one! And only one! Then I began to think, is this some type of cruel and unusual punishment? What did I ever do to deserve this? The world may never know. Needless to say, since this “incident”, Ann is back to snacking on granola clusters, half-finishing Slim Fast beverages, and munching on Oreos. Thank Pluto. I wonder if Goofy ever tried dog food.
Love,
Shortie

Hodgman, Ann. "No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch." The Norton Sampler. 6th.
Thomas Cooley. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 1979.
Print.