Purina's rebuttle to No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch, R

Colin Faherty
Mr. Bruno
AP English and Composition
October 21, 2009
Purina’s Rebuttal
I am a representative from Purina™ Food Company who recently read a disturbing article written by Ann Hodgman. It was entitled “No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch” this was a disgusting article that represents dog food in general in a bad light. I think that my colleges at Mighty Dog and Bonz will agree that this is a complete misrepresentation of our products.
This food was not made for human consumption although Purina™ has been thinking about opening up a branch devoted to human cuisine. What may seem disgusting for us is a delight to Spike or Princess. As for my esteemed colleague at general foods makers of the fine Gaines Burger, they have devoted the better part of their life trying to perfect the Gaines Burger and the "Improved Gaines-Burgers Cheese". This article has done terrible things to their business. Although they are still selling large amounts due to their exquisite taste, fewer people are switching from other brands. This article was crass and insensitive towards the better interests of these companies. Ms. Hodgman I hope you feel satisfied with your “wit” and “humor.”
The amount of disgusting detail that Ms. Hodgman uses is what really offends me. Who wants to know if there was a “long grey vein” trailing from the piece of meat you tried. The fact that Cheese had the consistency of Play-Doh seems to me to be irrelevant this disgustingly descriptive language is not necessary. Dog food is an art. It is not garbage to be gagged at. I believe that any true dog lovers will boycott Ms. Hodgman article from now on. She even has the audacity to mock our carefully thought out advertizing for our Purina O.N.E. Premium dog food. Of course, people want to read a list of the benefits their dog will get from eating our food. Nutrition is important for every one especially our four legged friends.
At least she admits that some of the food is palatable. She is a great taste tester. She can tell the difference between mediocre dog food and superior dog food such as Purina O.N.E. I truly doubt that she was, “duped by the packaging.” A good taste tester knows quality when they taste it. Another thing I did not understand was why she did not let her dog taste the food. It is animal cruelty to eat something as delicious as Purina in front of a hungry dog. I doubt that the dog’s opinions would be so high and mighty. He would probably love every single type of dog food she tested especially Purina. The fact that he was not given even one morsel of food is the most sickening thing I have ever heard.
I hope that Ms. Hodgman sticks to testing human food and leaves the advanced formulating of dog food to professionals. The best dog food is enjoyable to dogs only not to humans. Everyone knows that. I think that it would be best for all of us to forget this entire thing ever happened, especially the part About Bonz “Looking like the sludge that collects in the treads of my running shoes” and “bursting with tiny hairs.”