Dear Mr.White,
In your essay about how you never realized how important going to the lake with your father was until you began taking your own children was very touching. It showed how the bond between a father and son could last past death, and through a shared activity or memory. When your son went out on his own in the morning and you thought back to the time you used to do that with your father gave me a very wholesome understanding of no matter how much times changed, few things will ever change with them.
Remembering my own trips with my father to the Outer Banks and Ocean City made me wonder if he ever was drifted too far down the beach by the current or if he was ever lost in that seemingly endless boardwalk crowd. Those images popped into my head and it made me wonder.
It made me wonder how my own son will take after me; will he ever feel the same experiences I have felt, or will he set a new standard of experiance through which his son will take after him? Will my memory fade over time as my own ancestors did, or will I be remembered throughout history as some great discoverer or explorerer? These are all questions we would like to know, but unfortunatley they are hidden in the mysterious beyond. Though one must wonder if the experiances one has will ever be traditionalized by his descendants.
Sincerly,
Robert Santmyer
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Reading Journal #2- Once More to the Lake by E.B. White
When I read my father’s essay, “Once More to the Lake”, I did not realize how much that lake in Maine meant to my father. I thought it was a regular vacation with my dad. Little did I know that the lake had a significant part in my father’s childhood? My father, E. B. White, is basically famous for Charlotte’s Web and many other children books and essays. However, “Once More to the Lake” truly appealed to me because my father expressed how he appreciates his memories of the past and the present. This affected me to really discover the significant of my childhood memories with my father.
When my dad told me we were going to a lake for a week’s fishing, I could not have been more excited. I never had been exposed to the beauty of nature. I guess that is what the city does to you. When I arrived at the lake, I was enchanted by its beauty; enchanted by the freshness of the air, the beautiful colors of the woods, and the calmness and sparkle of the water. But when you’re a child, you do not really appreciate stuff like that. All I wanted was to catch a fish! When something is so stunning that it makes you change your perspective on the world, you often can’t describe it by words. However, my father perfectly described it in “Once More to the Lake”. His descriptions of the lake gave the reasons why the lake was significant to his childhood. It gave the reasons why such a place can be shared through the bond of a father and a son.
As I was reading “Once More to the Lake”, I did not know how much my father saw himself in me. I did not know that I resembled him as a child. The essay showed how much important it is to relive your memories, especially the ones that affected you the most. It makes you want to be a kid again, to live life without no worries, the same feeling I had with my father at the lake. Thinking about it, I wish I could relive that memory. But the most important thing about families is that you can share that memory with later generations. I wish I could go back, and drink Coca-Cola with my dad at the side of the road. But I will relive that memory with my son. I will take my son to that lake, so that he can learn the significant of it, so that he can pass it on. And that is the most important part about generations, especially between a father and son.
Your Son,
Joel White
Friday, October 23, 2009
R No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch.
So They Call Her a Bitch? No Wonder
I couldn’t believe when I came into work the next day and found out that some crazy lady was eating our barely-edible-even-for-dogs dog food. She must be crazy. I was once dared to eat some by my best buddy Billy Joe but I chickened out. But dang she must be about to die with all of that, dare I say it and disrespect my company, crap in her system. Even the dogs that we test the new and in store types of dog food have to be changed out weekly due to such natural causes as intestine and kidney failure.
I hear my co workers talk about rumors were people lose fingers to the dicers, crushers, and rollers, but its so hard to believe. A veteran of our factory, 2 fingered-1 eyed-half legged-two armed Joe, tells stories of how he lost all of his parts all in one day and the company still shipped of the batch to stores, with all of his parts in it. He says he’d sue but he loves the company too much. It’s crazy how much money the company would lose if they just suspended one batch of dog food; well I think its dog food. Well it begs the question…why are people so insane?
The bi products of the dog foods we manufacture must be wreaking havoc on her body. The birds beaks, feather, road kill carcasses and miscellaneous other items are definitely not good for her. I really hope she doesn’t die. That’d be one hell of a lawsuit for my stingy company.
Well I guess in the end I guess I really hate what my company does to this world. It lies to the owners of cute little pets. It also provides horrible tasting food, not meant for humans but some humans still want to try it. I guess what the story of this woman has taught me is how much I hate my job...but really...no wonder they call her a bitch.
*R* No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch
Dear Anne Hodgeman,
Why would you ever choose to eat dog food? I also eat dog food but still it is for good reason. Unlike you with your editorial post and your column the only thing I have to my name is a CISCO box and an aluminum foil hat to protect me from government probes (they are watching all the time). So when someone read this I was mad for two reasons, one: he took the blanket I just made and two: some rich lady can just decide to eat dog food. I wish I could just decide for the purple triceratops to stop stealing my shoes. I mean me on my interpretive dance and panhandling salary and you on your writer’s salary does not make us equal. You could buy the finest of steaks and sandwiches and when I go grocery shopping with five dollars I do the very little math I actually know to decide what to get. “Let’s see,” I think to myself, “I can get one box of cereal or three bags of dog food. Dog food it is!” And when you think to yourself that this person can write a pretty decent letter why doesn’t he just work for a fast food restaurant, I think you should know that right know I am dictating this letter to a man who says he has five bachelor’s degrees and all the knowledge he has learned has given him a negative outlook on life and… DON’T TAKE MY DOG FOOD GARY THAT’S MINE! IT TOOK ME TWENTY MINUTES TO DANCE MY WAY INTO GETTING THE MONEY FROM A LADY IN A PURPLE WHIG! Wait… Did you just type that up? No you’re supposed to by writing what I say about the dog food now this lady is going to think I’m crazy. Did you just type that two? Uggh well I guess I better back to making my spaceship to escape the zombie-pirate-robot invasion that’s going to happen next week, I’m going to need a lot of dog food to get through that,
Sincerely yours,
Rupert
(Dictated by Rupert Light Foot Johnson, Typed by Farthington Markindoch Esq.)
How to Write a Letter - Tips for Improvement
In case I didnt mention with my "How to Write a Letter" essay, I thought I would hint at the importance and some other things that make a letter worth the time. Most think that letters are just a form of e-mail or phone conversations, but in actuallity the written letter is a source of emotion and dedication towards the person you are sending it to. When you get a letter in the mail, it is extremely more excited and exuberating then an e-mail or a conversation over the phone, for it gives the reader or the recipient the satisfaction that you cared enough to take the time to write out a note to them. Letters have the importance of making a conversation more interesting and more thoughtful, then as it would in other ways and learning how to write one is an important tool as well. When you begin writing the letter, you would want to start off with a nice simple greeting like, "How are you." "How has work be going for you" or "What have you been up to since last time." These simple greetings will help you to get started on writing your letter. To continue on, you would want to start talking about what important things in your life you have been doing or fond memories about you and the other person. Write just how you would normally, as if you were sitting right across from them and conversing with them. Use some slang, use some fancy words, just remember to be yourself when writing the letter, and to make it sound like your actually talking to them right there on the page. When you want to end the letter, just make some statements to, "It would be nice to have you over some time" or "I would love to hear more about whats going on in your life" or even "I would love to hear back from you, to see how you've been." Writing the letter itself shows a lot of meaning in itself, so remember when you write a letter, be sure to be yourself and let the other person know how you've been or whats on your mind.
Hope that these extra tips help in you all in writing that letter of yours, for you can not pick up the phone and call the future and tell them about our times, you have to pick up a piece of paper.
keillor, garrison. norton sampler. 6 1989
Hope that these extra tips help in you all in writing that letter of yours, for you can not pick up the phone and call the future and tell them about our times, you have to pick up a piece of paper.
keillor, garrison. norton sampler. 6 1989
Rebuttal to Letters (R)
Dear Garrison Keillor,
In your short essay “How to Write a Letter” I agree with your reasoning why writing a letter is expressive and important. A letter is a great way to communicate and write to a loved one; however, talking on the phone is better. Telephone is more technologically advanced, it becomes easier and faster to keep in touch with friends and family. Phone conversations allow people who enjoy talking, like me, to portray their enthusiastic personalities aurally with emotion. It is also easier to visualize the recipient of my phone call because I can hear their voice. While a letter is a nice gesture to send to a friend if you are shy, a phone call is more effective because it is faster, shows more character, and makes it easier to “see” the friend you are calling.
Talking on the phone makes communication easier and faster. Sending a letter may take 2 or more days to reach your loved one using “snail mail”, but with a telephone I can reach my friend instantly, or at least leave a voicemail. If I feel the need to talk to someone or have an urgent message to give, a cell phone would get the job done much quicker than a letter because all I have to do is pick up a phone and dial the number. This new millennium is all about technology and upgrades to have better means of communication. Using telephones are more effective than writing letters because they create more balanced conversations. When writing a letter I can ask as many questions as I like but I will not receive an answer until a couple days later. With a telephone, if I ask a question the response will come immediately and lead to more successful conversations.
A letter appeals to shy people, but telephone conversations appeal to people who talk a lot, like me, and it allows my personality and feelings to shine. When having a discussion on the phone I bring more enthusiasm and emphasis to the stories I tell about my day than if I would write a letter. Talking on the phone is helpful to those that are shy because they learn how to express themselves verbally and become more outgoing. You are able to show more style on a telephone with tone and diction. The simple tone of voice can identify whether I am feeling outrageous, exuberant, solemn, or sarcastic; it is easier to convey my actual mood with a phone call than a letter. Hearing someone say “I love you” is a lot more effective than writing it because I feel the other person’s emotion and sincerity when I listen. The tone and diction also help in imagining the person you are talking to.
In your essay you explained that it is necessary to visualize the person you are writing to. Well, the same applies to phone conversation except it is much easier because their voice helps with your mental picture of the person. You are able to visualize the person you are talking to by their voice tone and pitch. If someone with a high squeaky voice answers the phone, your mind would probably picture a young girl that is short and sweet with small facial features. If you hear a deep raspy voice on the other line, then you would assume that it is an adult male, large and hefty that probably shops at the big and tall store. The voice affects the overall visualization of the person you are talking to and adds to the effect of communication.
Although letters are eloquent and expressive, phone calls are just as grand, maybe even better. Cell phones are more technologically advanced and provide easier access to communicate with someone. I can add more personality and feeling when talking on the phone. Also, it is much easier to picture your friend’s face if there is a voice that goes with it. The tone of my voice and diction conveys my mood and adds to my personality for clarity. These are just some of the reasons why telephone conversations appeal to me more than letters.
Sincerely,
Symone Simmons
In your short essay “How to Write a Letter” I agree with your reasoning why writing a letter is expressive and important. A letter is a great way to communicate and write to a loved one; however, talking on the phone is better. Telephone is more technologically advanced, it becomes easier and faster to keep in touch with friends and family. Phone conversations allow people who enjoy talking, like me, to portray their enthusiastic personalities aurally with emotion. It is also easier to visualize the recipient of my phone call because I can hear their voice. While a letter is a nice gesture to send to a friend if you are shy, a phone call is more effective because it is faster, shows more character, and makes it easier to “see” the friend you are calling.
Talking on the phone makes communication easier and faster. Sending a letter may take 2 or more days to reach your loved one using “snail mail”, but with a telephone I can reach my friend instantly, or at least leave a voicemail. If I feel the need to talk to someone or have an urgent message to give, a cell phone would get the job done much quicker than a letter because all I have to do is pick up a phone and dial the number. This new millennium is all about technology and upgrades to have better means of communication. Using telephones are more effective than writing letters because they create more balanced conversations. When writing a letter I can ask as many questions as I like but I will not receive an answer until a couple days later. With a telephone, if I ask a question the response will come immediately and lead to more successful conversations.
A letter appeals to shy people, but telephone conversations appeal to people who talk a lot, like me, and it allows my personality and feelings to shine. When having a discussion on the phone I bring more enthusiasm and emphasis to the stories I tell about my day than if I would write a letter. Talking on the phone is helpful to those that are shy because they learn how to express themselves verbally and become more outgoing. You are able to show more style on a telephone with tone and diction. The simple tone of voice can identify whether I am feeling outrageous, exuberant, solemn, or sarcastic; it is easier to convey my actual mood with a phone call than a letter. Hearing someone say “I love you” is a lot more effective than writing it because I feel the other person’s emotion and sincerity when I listen. The tone and diction also help in imagining the person you are talking to.
In your essay you explained that it is necessary to visualize the person you are writing to. Well, the same applies to phone conversation except it is much easier because their voice helps with your mental picture of the person. You are able to visualize the person you are talking to by their voice tone and pitch. If someone with a high squeaky voice answers the phone, your mind would probably picture a young girl that is short and sweet with small facial features. If you hear a deep raspy voice on the other line, then you would assume that it is an adult male, large and hefty that probably shops at the big and tall store. The voice affects the overall visualization of the person you are talking to and adds to the effect of communication.
Although letters are eloquent and expressive, phone calls are just as grand, maybe even better. Cell phones are more technologically advanced and provide easier access to communicate with someone. I can add more personality and feeling when talking on the phone. Also, it is much easier to picture your friend’s face if there is a voice that goes with it. The tone of my voice and diction conveys my mood and adds to my personality for clarity. These are just some of the reasons why telephone conversations appeal to me more than letters.
Sincerely,
Symone Simmons
Rebuttal to Letters (R)
Dear Garrison Keillor,
In your short essay “How to Write a Letter” I agree with your reasoning why writing a letter is expressive and important. A letter is a great way to communicate and write to a loved one; however, talking on the phone is better. Telephone is more technologically advanced, it becomes easier and faster to keep in touch with friends and family. Phone conversations allow people who enjoy talking, like me, to portray their enthusiastic personalities aurally with emotion. It is also easier to visualize the recipient of my phone call because I can hear their voice. While a letter is a nice gesture to send to a friend if you are shy, a phone call is more effective because it is faster, shows more character, and makes it easier to “see” the friend you are calling.
Talking on the phone makes communication easier and faster. Sending a letter may take 2 or more days to reach your loved one using “snail mail”, but with a telephone I can reach my friend instantly, or at least leave a voicemail. If I feel the need to talk to someone or have an urgent message to give, a cell phone would get the job done much quicker than a letter because all I have to do is pick up a phone and dial the number. This new millennium is all about technology and upgrades to have better means of communication. Using telephones are more effective than writing letters because they create more balanced conversations. When writing a letter I can ask as many questions as I like but I will not receive an answer until a couple days later. With a telephone, if I ask a question the response will come immediately and lead to more successful conversations.
A letter appeals to shy people, but telephone conversations appeal to people who talk a lot, like me, and it allows my personality and feelings to shine. When having a discussion on the phone I bring more enthusiasm and emphasis to the stories I tell about my day than if I would write a letter. Talking on the phone is helpful to those that are shy because they learn how to express themselves verbally and become more outgoing. You are able to show more style on a telephone with tone and diction. The simple tone of voice can identify whether I am feeling outrageous, exuberant, solemn, or sarcastic; it is easier to convey my actual mood with a phone call than a letter. Hearing someone say “I love you” is a lot more effective than writing it because I feel the other person’s emotion and sincerity when I listen. The tone and diction also help in imagining the person you are talking to.
In your essay you explained that it is necessary to visualize the person you are writing to. Well, the same applies to phone conversation except it is much easier because their voice helps with your mental picture of the person. You are able to visualize the person you are talking to by their voice tone and pitch. If someone with a high squeaky voice answers the phone, your mind would probably picture a young girl that is short and sweet with small facial features. If you hear a deep raspy voice on the other line, then you would assume that it is an adult male, large and hefty that probably shops at the big and tall store. The voice affects the overall visualization of the person you are talking to and adds to the effect of communication.
Although letters are eloquent and expressive, phone calls are just as grand, maybe even better. Cell phones are more technologically advanced and provide easier access to communicate with someone. I can add more personality and feeling when talking on the phone. Also, it is much easier to picture your friend’s face if there is a voice that goes with it. The tone of my voice and diction conveys my mood and adds to my personality for clarity. These are just some of the reasons why telephone conversations appeal to me more than letters.
Sincerely,
Symone Simmons
In your short essay “How to Write a Letter” I agree with your reasoning why writing a letter is expressive and important. A letter is a great way to communicate and write to a loved one; however, talking on the phone is better. Telephone is more technologically advanced, it becomes easier and faster to keep in touch with friends and family. Phone conversations allow people who enjoy talking, like me, to portray their enthusiastic personalities aurally with emotion. It is also easier to visualize the recipient of my phone call because I can hear their voice. While a letter is a nice gesture to send to a friend if you are shy, a phone call is more effective because it is faster, shows more character, and makes it easier to “see” the friend you are calling.
Talking on the phone makes communication easier and faster. Sending a letter may take 2 or more days to reach your loved one using “snail mail”, but with a telephone I can reach my friend instantly, or at least leave a voicemail. If I feel the need to talk to someone or have an urgent message to give, a cell phone would get the job done much quicker than a letter because all I have to do is pick up a phone and dial the number. This new millennium is all about technology and upgrades to have better means of communication. Using telephones are more effective than writing letters because they create more balanced conversations. When writing a letter I can ask as many questions as I like but I will not receive an answer until a couple days later. With a telephone, if I ask a question the response will come immediately and lead to more successful conversations.
A letter appeals to shy people, but telephone conversations appeal to people who talk a lot, like me, and it allows my personality and feelings to shine. When having a discussion on the phone I bring more enthusiasm and emphasis to the stories I tell about my day than if I would write a letter. Talking on the phone is helpful to those that are shy because they learn how to express themselves verbally and become more outgoing. You are able to show more style on a telephone with tone and diction. The simple tone of voice can identify whether I am feeling outrageous, exuberant, solemn, or sarcastic; it is easier to convey my actual mood with a phone call than a letter. Hearing someone say “I love you” is a lot more effective than writing it because I feel the other person’s emotion and sincerity when I listen. The tone and diction also help in imagining the person you are talking to.
In your essay you explained that it is necessary to visualize the person you are writing to. Well, the same applies to phone conversation except it is much easier because their voice helps with your mental picture of the person. You are able to visualize the person you are talking to by their voice tone and pitch. If someone with a high squeaky voice answers the phone, your mind would probably picture a young girl that is short and sweet with small facial features. If you hear a deep raspy voice on the other line, then you would assume that it is an adult male, large and hefty that probably shops at the big and tall store. The voice affects the overall visualization of the person you are talking to and adds to the effect of communication.
Although letters are eloquent and expressive, phone calls are just as grand, maybe even better. Cell phones are more technologically advanced and provide easier access to communicate with someone. I can add more personality and feeling when talking on the phone. Also, it is much easier to picture your friend’s face if there is a voice that goes with it. The tone of my voice and diction conveys my mood and adds to my personality for clarity. These are just some of the reasons why telephone conversations appeal to me more than letters.
Sincerely,
Symone Simmons
R; The Miss Dennis School of Writing
I’ve always wondered what class was like with Miss Dennis. See, I was unfortunate enough to have Mr. Dennis instead; he taught down the hall in room 213. I made due in his English class but I still ponder the what ifs. The what if I had Miss Dennis and learned to really observe the room around me? Maybe I wouldn’t be stuck in this dead end office job at a low paying magazine for cat enthusiasts. The what if I had found my voice as a writer? Would I be stuck wiring dear Susie columns for lost unwanted women who live with their 12 cats (and Susie’s not even my real name)? The what if I discovered a love for poetry and literature? Then maybe I could actually go to one of those fancy dinner parties with tea and scones and have a lovely discussion with a scholar on English literature. I still find myself drifting back to the memories from time to time.
It’s hard to forget a teacher like Miss Dennis, and she wasn’t even mine. She impacted my friends in so many ways. They would often complain to me of their daily sightings, calling them a waste of time. I happened to agree at the moment. Little would I know that that simple exercise would have such enormous results. Miss Dennis would drill into their minds, “Pay Attention, I can’t teach you how to write, only to observe the world around you.” Two simple words, pay attention, impacted my friend’s lives everyday. While, I haven’t kept in touch with most since graduation in 1977, at all of the reunions I find myself listening intently to the stories of their ‘perfect’ lives. Some are CEOS, or bankers, or doctors and lawyers; I am a low wage writer for Cats <3. Let’s just say, I don’t go bragging about that one. Their time spent with Miss Dennis in ninth grade changed the way they looked at the world. That’s pretty big, even for a cat writer.
I can’t go back to ninth grade and transfer to Miss Dennis’ epic creative writing class; time machines haven’t quite been invented yet. But I can apply her lessons to life now. Those two simple words, pay attention, opened my eyes to society. I look at daily tasks with a different perspective. Even though I never had Miss Dennis, and still ponder those what ifs, I can feel more comfortable with where I’m at just by paying attention. Her lesson don’t have to begin or end in ninth grade, they continue and are still applied now. Thank you Miss Dennis, down the hall from me so many years ago, I’m finally paying attention.
It’s hard to forget a teacher like Miss Dennis, and she wasn’t even mine. She impacted my friends in so many ways. They would often complain to me of their daily sightings, calling them a waste of time. I happened to agree at the moment. Little would I know that that simple exercise would have such enormous results. Miss Dennis would drill into their minds, “Pay Attention, I can’t teach you how to write, only to observe the world around you.” Two simple words, pay attention, impacted my friend’s lives everyday. While, I haven’t kept in touch with most since graduation in 1977, at all of the reunions I find myself listening intently to the stories of their ‘perfect’ lives. Some are CEOS, or bankers, or doctors and lawyers; I am a low wage writer for Cats <3. Let’s just say, I don’t go bragging about that one. Their time spent with Miss Dennis in ninth grade changed the way they looked at the world. That’s pretty big, even for a cat writer.
I can’t go back to ninth grade and transfer to Miss Dennis’ epic creative writing class; time machines haven’t quite been invented yet. But I can apply her lessons to life now. Those two simple words, pay attention, opened my eyes to society. I look at daily tasks with a different perspective. Even though I never had Miss Dennis, and still ponder those what ifs, I can feel more comfortable with where I’m at just by paying attention. Her lesson don’t have to begin or end in ninth grade, they continue and are still applied now. Thank you Miss Dennis, down the hall from me so many years ago, I’m finally paying attention.
R No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch
Her breath smelled like the dog's. I hated the dog. Well, alright, I disliked dogs in general and we only got the dog because she had grown up in a house full of dogs and had reasoned that I wanted a baby. It had seemed like a fair trade off at the time. I, unfortunately, had been wrong about that, and now I hated hated hated the dog with a burning passion because it had led to this situation in some strange, warped way.
"Why," I asked slowly, carefully, as she brushed her teeth feverishly and muttered synonyms for "stinky" through blue toothpaste lather, "Are you eating dog food, exacttly?"
"There is no replacement for the real thing." She declared steadfastly, though muffled. She hummed thoughtfully and spat. "Nope, nothing quite describes it like stinky. Smelly? Disgusting for sure..." Obviously she was ignoring me and thinking about her self-assigned project.
The problem with my wife was that she wholeheartedly threw herself in everything. She was completely absorbed into the piece she was writing and everything related to it. She was so focused that she made things be related, even when they clearly were not. Case in point, three seconds ago: when I asked her a question, her answer had nothing to do with me; it had been used as an opportunity to contemplate word choice and usage in her essay. I lived with this walking, talking, writing-crazed beast. Her eating dog food and seriously considering every detail about it like it was a normal assignment for a food column, like it was fine dining, like she wasn't eating dog food, proved that something was wrong with this woman.
She smiled experimentally in the mirror, rinsed and spat. I watched in a mix of awe and horror as she crossed from the joined bathroom to into our bedroom, the transition marked by her feet smacking against the tile and then suddenly changing to noiselessly on the carpet. She plopped heavily onto the bed, notebook in hand. This was the part that drove home the point that she was deadly serious about what she was doing. She immediately began to scribble furiously acrosss the page, noting on taste, visual appearance, texture, and all other imaginable descriptions about food. My wife, I found, was always approaching things with an intensity I normally envied. Now, however, not so much. Not when that approached thing was exploring the world of dog cuisine.
The next day, when I came home to her choking down something from a shiny foiled package, I suddenly was not entirely sure if I would be able to handle this intensity that was pushing her to eat dog food after horrid can of dog food for what was going on a week.
"Ann," I said cautiously treading on thin ice with every passing second I was distracting her from her Oh So Important Focus on her dog food, "Maybe you shouldn't keep doing this. I'm pretty sure dog food isn't meant for human consumption."
She only smiled, eyes slightly watery, "Hi honney, what no kiss?"
This was a joke. After I had unsuspectingly kissed her a few days ago and commented offhandedly on the vaguely meatball taste on her lips, she had snapped her fingers and announced, "You're right, that's a much better description!" And while writing said description in her notes hurriedly she had told me, completely and utterly distracted, exactly which kind of dog food I had inadvertently tasted that had produce the meatball taste.
I, learning a dear dear lesson, don't kiss her now unless I've seen her brush her teeth first.
I, who married this stubbornly sarcastic and driven woman, can be equally as stubborn and sarcastic and driven when need be. "If your eyes are watering, then that probably means you shouldn't be eating it. Not that it's of any importance to you. Just, you know, saying."
She waved her hand dismissively and smoothed the foil out expertly. "I've eaten people food that makes your eyes water, it's not like a natural defensive mechanism that means you're not suppoed to eat something."
The dog weaved itself between my legs and the baby clumsily picked at Cheerios from his high chair as my wife stabbed an unidentifiable piece of meat and assured us, "It actually has a very calm taste, it's more the appearance that's eye watering," and the dog and I both whined as she chewed on her forkful.
Figuring she was just going to keep at this experiment brought on by what I could only define as morbid curiosity, I tried to stay out of her way. When I caught her stirring a bowl of unnaturally colored gruel, the counter splatter with dark brown liquid, hesitantly sniffing it, I tried to ignore it. I took the baby upstairs for a bath and pajamas, let out the dog in the backyard, made Easy Mac for dinner like a normal person. When I came back twenty minutes later, baby put to bed, she was less than halfway through her bowl of brown liquid, a grimace firmly planted on her face.
"Okay, it's hilarious that you're a food critic and are eating crap." I told her, my sympathy of the earlier days of the week gone. "Your parents would be so proud of you."
"Hey, this is all part of the learning experience. I've got a good thing going with the piece, so you shut up," she countered evenly, "And anyway, I'm using my skills as a food critic to answer the questions on the differences of dog foods. She took a dainty and sophisticated sip of the liquid in her spoon and nearly gagged on it and the choked out, "Bitter," that followed.
In the end, when she brought home a can of cat food in accompaniment with bone treats for "comparison", I decided that I had no choice but to leave her alone and hope the article would turn out amazing.
"Why," I asked slowly, carefully, as she brushed her teeth feverishly and muttered synonyms for "stinky" through blue toothpaste lather, "Are you eating dog food, exacttly?"
"There is no replacement for the real thing." She declared steadfastly, though muffled. She hummed thoughtfully and spat. "Nope, nothing quite describes it like stinky. Smelly? Disgusting for sure..." Obviously she was ignoring me and thinking about her self-assigned project.
The problem with my wife was that she wholeheartedly threw herself in everything. She was completely absorbed into the piece she was writing and everything related to it. She was so focused that she made things be related, even when they clearly were not. Case in point, three seconds ago: when I asked her a question, her answer had nothing to do with me; it had been used as an opportunity to contemplate word choice and usage in her essay. I lived with this walking, talking, writing-crazed beast. Her eating dog food and seriously considering every detail about it like it was a normal assignment for a food column, like it was fine dining, like she wasn't eating dog food, proved that something was wrong with this woman.
She smiled experimentally in the mirror, rinsed and spat. I watched in a mix of awe and horror as she crossed from the joined bathroom to into our bedroom, the transition marked by her feet smacking against the tile and then suddenly changing to noiselessly on the carpet. She plopped heavily onto the bed, notebook in hand. This was the part that drove home the point that she was deadly serious about what she was doing. She immediately began to scribble furiously acrosss the page, noting on taste, visual appearance, texture, and all other imaginable descriptions about food. My wife, I found, was always approaching things with an intensity I normally envied. Now, however, not so much. Not when that approached thing was exploring the world of dog cuisine.
The next day, when I came home to her choking down something from a shiny foiled package, I suddenly was not entirely sure if I would be able to handle this intensity that was pushing her to eat dog food after horrid can of dog food for what was going on a week.
"Ann," I said cautiously treading on thin ice with every passing second I was distracting her from her Oh So Important Focus on her dog food, "Maybe you shouldn't keep doing this. I'm pretty sure dog food isn't meant for human consumption."
She only smiled, eyes slightly watery, "Hi honney, what no kiss?"
This was a joke. After I had unsuspectingly kissed her a few days ago and commented offhandedly on the vaguely meatball taste on her lips, she had snapped her fingers and announced, "You're right, that's a much better description!" And while writing said description in her notes hurriedly she had told me, completely and utterly distracted, exactly which kind of dog food I had inadvertently tasted that had produce the meatball taste.
I, learning a dear dear lesson, don't kiss her now unless I've seen her brush her teeth first.
I, who married this stubbornly sarcastic and driven woman, can be equally as stubborn and sarcastic and driven when need be. "If your eyes are watering, then that probably means you shouldn't be eating it. Not that it's of any importance to you. Just, you know, saying."
She waved her hand dismissively and smoothed the foil out expertly. "I've eaten people food that makes your eyes water, it's not like a natural defensive mechanism that means you're not suppoed to eat something."
The dog weaved itself between my legs and the baby clumsily picked at Cheerios from his high chair as my wife stabbed an unidentifiable piece of meat and assured us, "It actually has a very calm taste, it's more the appearance that's eye watering," and the dog and I both whined as she chewed on her forkful.
Figuring she was just going to keep at this experiment brought on by what I could only define as morbid curiosity, I tried to stay out of her way. When I caught her stirring a bowl of unnaturally colored gruel, the counter splatter with dark brown liquid, hesitantly sniffing it, I tried to ignore it. I took the baby upstairs for a bath and pajamas, let out the dog in the backyard, made Easy Mac for dinner like a normal person. When I came back twenty minutes later, baby put to bed, she was less than halfway through her bowl of brown liquid, a grimace firmly planted on her face.
"Okay, it's hilarious that you're a food critic and are eating crap." I told her, my sympathy of the earlier days of the week gone. "Your parents would be so proud of you."
"Hey, this is all part of the learning experience. I've got a good thing going with the piece, so you shut up," she countered evenly, "And anyway, I'm using my skills as a food critic to answer the questions on the differences of dog foods. She took a dainty and sophisticated sip of the liquid in her spoon and nearly gagged on it and the choked out, "Bitter," that followed.
In the end, when she brought home a can of cat food in accompaniment with bone treats for "comparison", I decided that I had no choice but to leave her alone and hope the article would turn out amazing.
No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch, R
Okay, I know what you are thinking. Why should I listen to anything that a dog has to say? All they do is dig holes, eat and sleep. Now these scornful kinds of remarks really peel my potato. I mean, what do we do that is so horrible that we should receive such remarks as those? We allow you to rub our heads when you are in need of comfort. We let you pick us up (although you clearly do not know the proper way to do so). We do not comment on our owner’s obvious lack of cleanliness. We do not even complain (okay, rarely) about the do-not-feel-like-eating-these-scraps-so-I-think-I-will-give-them-to-the-dog stuff you give us and call it “dinner.”
While we are on the subject of food, I would just like to say that I was immensely surprised and more than a little disgusted when I woke up today to find Ann cooking a Gaines burger on the stove. First of all, Ann should have known that nothing she did to the burger would have made it taste good. It is dog food for crying out loud. It is nothing like the delicious morsels she critiques for her column. If I were in her position, I would not waste my time sampling things given to my pet when I had things like manicotti and shrimp to eat instead. Secondly, I do not appreciate her tasting the food she gives me daily and practically hyperventilating when (surprise, surprise) it does not taste good. I am actually kind of glad she tried the toxic waste they call dog food. Now she knows that when I eat really fast and make a mess, it is because I just really want to get eating the sludge over with, while eating as little as possible. After experiencing the horrors of dog food, maybe now Ann will start feeding me the lovely foods she so callously taunts me with at dinner time.
While we are on the subject of food, I would just like to say that I was immensely surprised and more than a little disgusted when I woke up today to find Ann cooking a Gaines burger on the stove. First of all, Ann should have known that nothing she did to the burger would have made it taste good. It is dog food for crying out loud. It is nothing like the delicious morsels she critiques for her column. If I were in her position, I would not waste my time sampling things given to my pet when I had things like manicotti and shrimp to eat instead. Secondly, I do not appreciate her tasting the food she gives me daily and practically hyperventilating when (surprise, surprise) it does not taste good. I am actually kind of glad she tried the toxic waste they call dog food. Now she knows that when I eat really fast and make a mess, it is because I just really want to get eating the sludge over with, while eating as little as possible. After experiencing the horrors of dog food, maybe now Ann will start feeding me the lovely foods she so callously taunts me with at dinner time.
Hodgman, Ann. The Norton Sampler. 6th ed. W. W. Norton & Company: New York, 2003. Print.
"The Miss Dennis School of Writing" R
The Alice Steinbach School of Bootlicking.
Recently I read an article about my former teacher, Miss Dennis, written by my former classmate, Alice Steinbach. The entire entire article talked about how Miss Dennis helped Alice with her writing and how influential she was. It’s surprising that still, even after Miss Dennis’ passing, how much Alice continues to suck up to her!
All Alice ever did in that class was flatter Miss Dennis in order to make the rest of us look bad. I can’t believe she even mentioned me in the article! “...Dorothy hadn’t paid attention and her writing showed it.” Oh yeah, I didn’t pay attention? Well I’m sorry if I got tired of listening to Alice blab on and on about how much she loved this author, or about how she just found this delightful book Miss Dennis just had to read. I don’t even understand how that could affect my writing! Alice was the attention hog, and Miss Dennis just kept feeding her all the oats and the attention she wanted.
I honestly thought that Miss Dennis would’ve seen what was happening, especially when Alice stayed after pretty much every day just to talk to her. Alice always gave Miss Dennis complements (especially about her “apricot hair”), and she always wanted to talk to Miss Dennis after school. I felt bad for Miss Dennis! She never got to leave school on time, and Alice would just talk and talk and talk. Alice would always be an angel in front of Miss Dennis, but once Miss Dennis left the room Alice would rub in all of our faces their “special relationship”.
I didn’t get the chance to enjoy my class experience with Miss Dennis because Alice never let her focus on anyone else. I really do wish I could’ve had the same experience Alice had with Miss Dennis. Well, except for all of the sucking up of course.
Steinbach, Alice. "The Miss Dennis School of Writing." The Norton Sampler. 6th. New York, NY: Norton & Company, 2003. Print.
Ann Hodgman; No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch (R)
Dear Max,
Hey buddy, how’ve you been? I have an insane story to tell you. Seriously- insane. So, the other day, Annie gets home from the grocery store. She brings in her people food, and sets it on the counter. Here I am, digging through diapers in the trash, thinking, this is normal. She walks back out to her car, and comes into the house with another bag filled with an arsenal of heavenly dog food. You can only imagine my excitement!
Now Ann begins to unpack can after can of this food from the gods. It was like Pluto had his paw of approval on these babies! So here I am, getting all excited. I’m thinking, you know, that I get to try all this new chow! Then, the unexpected happens. She opens breaks out a Gaines-burger, and inspects it. Then she casually walks towards the stove, and plops the Gaines-burger into the skillet! Dog! I like my food warm, but is a skillet really necessary? Hello, microwave! Then she tries some cheese. My cheese. Annie chews it right up and swallows, then goes for some of the meat. Meat that should be for me. I don’t think she liked it, upon trying it she tossed it into the sink and then stared at in horror.
Next, she pulls the canned Cycles out of her grocery bag. Remember when we had those at your doghouse once? Those delectable nuggets made us barking mad! To say the least, Ann didn’t like them nearly as much. She had no problem with eating them, she was starting to just grin-and-bear-it.
When she moved on to the Pedigree Select Dinners, you know-the one with that cocky Yorkie on the can. The instant she opened the can, the enticing aroma of meat filled the room. I could feel my tail subconsciously raise and my ear perk up. I zeroed in on the can, staring it down like that rabid squirrel gang we saw in the park last week. Her thumb and forefinger moved gingerly towards the devilishly delicious scented meat in the can. She began to slowly draw one of the chunks out, when she saw a vein hanging out of the meat. Needless to say, I thought she would blow chunks. It took her about thirty minutes and five magazines to regain her stomach and try the food, which, once again, should have been for me.
I can’t forget the dog-treats trials! Here my Annie is, in my plain sight, eating delicious Milk-Bones and Bonz! She didn’t even have to play dead to get one! I cannot tell you how hard it was to fight my urge to hide her shoes and take the treats. When she finds those shoes she can have one! And only one! Then I began to think, is this some type of cruel and unusual punishment? What did I ever do to deserve this? The world may never know. Needless to say, since this “incident”, Ann is back to snacking on granola clusters, half-finishing Slim Fast beverages, and munching on Oreos. Thank Pluto. I wonder if Goofy ever tried dog food.
Love,
Shortie
Hodgman, Ann. "No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch." The Norton Sampler. 6th.
Thomas Cooley. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 1979.
Print.
Hey buddy, how’ve you been? I have an insane story to tell you. Seriously- insane. So, the other day, Annie gets home from the grocery store. She brings in her people food, and sets it on the counter. Here I am, digging through diapers in the trash, thinking, this is normal. She walks back out to her car, and comes into the house with another bag filled with an arsenal of heavenly dog food. You can only imagine my excitement!
Now Ann begins to unpack can after can of this food from the gods. It was like Pluto had his paw of approval on these babies! So here I am, getting all excited. I’m thinking, you know, that I get to try all this new chow! Then, the unexpected happens. She opens breaks out a Gaines-burger, and inspects it. Then she casually walks towards the stove, and plops the Gaines-burger into the skillet! Dog! I like my food warm, but is a skillet really necessary? Hello, microwave! Then she tries some cheese. My cheese. Annie chews it right up and swallows, then goes for some of the meat. Meat that should be for me. I don’t think she liked it, upon trying it she tossed it into the sink and then stared at in horror.
Next, she pulls the canned Cycles out of her grocery bag. Remember when we had those at your doghouse once? Those delectable nuggets made us barking mad! To say the least, Ann didn’t like them nearly as much. She had no problem with eating them, she was starting to just grin-and-bear-it.
When she moved on to the Pedigree Select Dinners, you know-the one with that cocky Yorkie on the can. The instant she opened the can, the enticing aroma of meat filled the room. I could feel my tail subconsciously raise and my ear perk up. I zeroed in on the can, staring it down like that rabid squirrel gang we saw in the park last week. Her thumb and forefinger moved gingerly towards the devilishly delicious scented meat in the can. She began to slowly draw one of the chunks out, when she saw a vein hanging out of the meat. Needless to say, I thought she would blow chunks. It took her about thirty minutes and five magazines to regain her stomach and try the food, which, once again, should have been for me.
I can’t forget the dog-treats trials! Here my Annie is, in my plain sight, eating delicious Milk-Bones and Bonz! She didn’t even have to play dead to get one! I cannot tell you how hard it was to fight my urge to hide her shoes and take the treats. When she finds those shoes she can have one! And only one! Then I began to think, is this some type of cruel and unusual punishment? What did I ever do to deserve this? The world may never know. Needless to say, since this “incident”, Ann is back to snacking on granola clusters, half-finishing Slim Fast beverages, and munching on Oreos. Thank Pluto. I wonder if Goofy ever tried dog food.
Love,
Shortie
Hodgman, Ann. "No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch." The Norton Sampler. 6th.
Thomas Cooley. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc., 1979.
Print.
Mark Twain, "Learning the River", R
I have been in the same place for years upon years. People have gone up and down my shores, across and any other way you can think. There have been losses, so many losses. Yet each time a ship goes by, for some reason I want to help. I teach the sailors who travel my waters. I show them how to navigate the currents, point out what to take as a warning or a promise of a safe night. I guide them until they no longer need me. Once that day comes, the men no longer see me for who I am. The sailors no longer look at me with respect; all they see is another tool. I try to move on and forget too, but the pain of their betrayal always remains. Yet, one boy will remain with me forever. This boy grew into a man, while traveling along me. I helped him grow and learn, but sadly he was no different then the others. While it hurts to remember him, he taught me one of the toughest lessons I have learned in my life. He showed me that when you gain one thing, you must sacrifice another.
Now as you can imagine, staying in one place for years can drive a river insane. I do take trips into the
So one day while minding my own business, I see these humans traveling up and down me. I always wonder what they are doing. One time, I decided to follow this one boat, to see what they were doing. Following them was no more fun then watching them, all they did was swap things with other people. I was still constantly bored, until I finally found a way to pass the time.
Now whenever I am bored I love to play with the boats. For years have been growing reefs all along me. Sometimes I am lucky and get an unskilled sailor, and he crashes into the reef. It completely destroys the boat, and sends the men into a frenzy. Sometimes I can talk Wind into helping me with my mischief. Wind makes the water appear to be hiding a reef when it really isn’t. Poor uneducated sailors try to avoid the reefs and go all over the place. After a while, the tricks got to be boring, and that was when I decided to take the men under my wing, and teach them the right way to navigate my waters. That is when I met this boy, who I continued to watch for years.
When he was still young and learning under another of my pupils, the way he looked at me was amazing. No matter what kind of day I had had, he made me feel beautiful and graceful too. I would try my best to be beautiful for him. I would shimmer in the sun and moonlight, just to have him look at me. He saw me for who I was, and loved me because of it. Well, one day he was controlling the ship all on his own and he got tricked by one of the wind reefs, Wind and I had made. He turned that ship in so many different directions, it was unbelievable. He started too steered towards the banks, and was yelling for help. He provided lots of excitement for us that day. That was when I decided to take him on too, and teach him more about myself.
From then on, he only improved. He could navigate my waters like a professional, and read all the clues I threw his way. However, he soon began to look at me with less and less reverence and respect. Until that day came when he no longer needed me, from then on I was no longer beautiful, but another tool. That was the most devastating day I have gone through in years. The boy was one of my favorites, but he turned out to be just like the others. He only used me for the information I gave him, no longer was I special.
I allowed myself to be read, I spoke to him, told him all my secrets. Like everyone before him, he turned from me. I can’t figure out why I continue to open myself up to sailors. I continue to give each of them a piece of my soul, even when I know they will eventually just use me. It must be in my water, but it helps to know that he suffers a loss too. While he may be able to use me for my knowledge, never again will he be able to see the simple beauty of a river.
Twain, Mark. "Learning the River.” The Norton Sampler. 6.
Reader Journal: Susie vs. Shortie
Catie Schmitz
AP Hislish
Bruno
23 October 2009
Reader Journal
Susie is my golden doodle puppy: curly hair, soft paws, and fluffy tail. Our veterinarian suggested we feed her only once a day so she can stay in top shape. We feed her at night around the same time we eat. And as I sit on the couch to enjoy my DVR-ed shows for the week, I catch a glimpse of her skating across the counter tops with her wet nose held high, and her gold-colored paws snatch whatever crumb was not cleaned up from our previous meal. I guess if I was only fed one meal a day, I would probably mooch on anything I could find as well. But then again, we did recently up her meal from one scoop of food to two.
As much as Ann Hodgman is my hero for attempting to scarf down so many dog foods, she is somewhat dramatic. Just as her dachshund, Shortie watched her shove indigestible junk down her throat, my K-9 did as well. Susie eats Nutro Bits for Large Breed Young Adult Dogs food. They are brownish balls, with similarities to Cocoa Puffs cereal. I grabbed two pieces and popped them into my mouth, expecting vomit to come shortly after. Much to my surprise, I did not gag, or gurgle, or have to stop myself from spitting it out violently. It was alright. It did not have the delicious chocolately flavor of my favorite breakfast morning cereal, but it wasn’t bad. Considering the nutrients listed on the bag, and the ‘optimum health benefits for all large dog breeds,’ I assumed it to be bland and un-flavorful, but it really wasn’t. But I guess that was just the dry foods.
I went on to taste Susie’s Milk Bone original large treats. The flavor was listed as Original Treat. I nibbled on the end of it, and once again, the descriptive diction of Mrs. Hodgman tricked me again. It was a flashback for me when my youngest sister, Chloe was born. Gerber baby foods came out with their newest product, a cereal/grain bar that were extra hard (not stale, but put together to avoid the crumbling of a cookie). This helped in ensuring the baby would not choke. I used to sit there and watch Chloe munch for hours at a time on that one, single bar. I used to help her out sometimes, too. It was actually rather delicious. Gerber had gotten pretty revolutionized and their food was no longer ‘strained peas’ in my mind because of these bars. Anyway, the Milk Bone took me back to those days and it made that tasting a little more enjoyable. So, the treats we give Susie must taste somewhat like a treat to her, too. We don’t buy that many variations of food for our pup, so I tried one last thing.
To appeal to the “healthy” side of our dog, my mom buys Greenies health fiber treats. They are a vivid forest green hue, and are the shape of a toothbrush, which I guess fools the buyer into thinking it’s a treat to help the dog’s teeth? Well, it got my mom at least. I once again, bit off a small chunk of the toothbrush-like treat and it tasted of a day old granola bar, my friend’s mom once made. They were suppose to be healthy-veggie-cookie bars, but the end result wasn’t to die for. This Greenie tasted pretty close to that cookie bar. And if I was a dog, compared to the crap that Shortie and Mrs. Hodgman ate, I’d say Susie gets it pretty good. Her food is not utterly disgusting and if I was in her position, I would not be barking.
My mom gets Susie’s food the local grocery store. It is mostly contained in aisle 13. So, go find some normal looking dog food (if that’s possible,) and make sure your dog isn’t completely suffering every feeding time, as in No wonder they call me a Bitch. And if the food doesn’t look edible for a human being, then send the scruffy pal down to my house. Susie has regular service of food and water, and a comfy, curly-fur-topped day bed.
AP Hislish
Bruno
23 October 2009
Reader Journal
Susie is my golden doodle puppy: curly hair, soft paws, and fluffy tail. Our veterinarian suggested we feed her only once a day so she can stay in top shape. We feed her at night around the same time we eat. And as I sit on the couch to enjoy my DVR-ed shows for the week, I catch a glimpse of her skating across the counter tops with her wet nose held high, and her gold-colored paws snatch whatever crumb was not cleaned up from our previous meal. I guess if I was only fed one meal a day, I would probably mooch on anything I could find as well. But then again, we did recently up her meal from one scoop of food to two.
As much as Ann Hodgman is my hero for attempting to scarf down so many dog foods, she is somewhat dramatic. Just as her dachshund, Shortie watched her shove indigestible junk down her throat, my K-9 did as well. Susie eats Nutro Bits for Large Breed Young Adult Dogs food. They are brownish balls, with similarities to Cocoa Puffs cereal. I grabbed two pieces and popped them into my mouth, expecting vomit to come shortly after. Much to my surprise, I did not gag, or gurgle, or have to stop myself from spitting it out violently. It was alright. It did not have the delicious chocolately flavor of my favorite breakfast morning cereal, but it wasn’t bad. Considering the nutrients listed on the bag, and the ‘optimum health benefits for all large dog breeds,’ I assumed it to be bland and un-flavorful, but it really wasn’t. But I guess that was just the dry foods.
I went on to taste Susie’s Milk Bone original large treats. The flavor was listed as Original Treat. I nibbled on the end of it, and once again, the descriptive diction of Mrs. Hodgman tricked me again. It was a flashback for me when my youngest sister, Chloe was born. Gerber baby foods came out with their newest product, a cereal/grain bar that were extra hard (not stale, but put together to avoid the crumbling of a cookie). This helped in ensuring the baby would not choke. I used to sit there and watch Chloe munch for hours at a time on that one, single bar. I used to help her out sometimes, too. It was actually rather delicious. Gerber had gotten pretty revolutionized and their food was no longer ‘strained peas’ in my mind because of these bars. Anyway, the Milk Bone took me back to those days and it made that tasting a little more enjoyable. So, the treats we give Susie must taste somewhat like a treat to her, too. We don’t buy that many variations of food for our pup, so I tried one last thing.
To appeal to the “healthy” side of our dog, my mom buys Greenies health fiber treats. They are a vivid forest green hue, and are the shape of a toothbrush, which I guess fools the buyer into thinking it’s a treat to help the dog’s teeth? Well, it got my mom at least. I once again, bit off a small chunk of the toothbrush-like treat and it tasted of a day old granola bar, my friend’s mom once made. They were suppose to be healthy-veggie-cookie bars, but the end result wasn’t to die for. This Greenie tasted pretty close to that cookie bar. And if I was a dog, compared to the crap that Shortie and Mrs. Hodgman ate, I’d say Susie gets it pretty good. Her food is not utterly disgusting and if I was in her position, I would not be barking.
My mom gets Susie’s food the local grocery store. It is mostly contained in aisle 13. So, go find some normal looking dog food (if that’s possible,) and make sure your dog isn’t completely suffering every feeding time, as in No wonder they call me a Bitch. And if the food doesn’t look edible for a human being, then send the scruffy pal down to my house. Susie has regular service of food and water, and a comfy, curly-fur-topped day bed.
"The MIss Dennis School of Writing" R
Hi, I am Dorothy Singer. I am the student that “hadn’t paid attention” in Miss Dennis’s ninth grade English class, as mentioned by Alice Steinbach. I do not understand why Alice idolizes this woman. She considers herself “one of the lucky ones” for being in Miss Dennis’s class? That is the most absurd thing I have heard yet. Miss Dennis was an absolute pain! She was always yelling and forcing us to describe our mornings. How stupid is that, right? She even had the weirdest sayings that she would preach to the class when she attempted to make a point, and I had no idea what she meant by them. She was a very stern woman who, instead of being placed in a classroom as a teacher, should have been placed in a boot camp as a sergeant. Ugh! Her constant yelling got on my last nerve! She made it impossible to focus because almost everything that came out of her mouth was uttered about 5 decibells higher than the average person. I mean, come on. Would you be able to learn and stay attentive with some lady screaming at you? I didn’t think so.
Possibly, the reason that Alice was enamored by Miss Dennis was because she and her formed a special bond with each other. In class, Miss Dennis would scold Alice because she was writing like Colette, Mark twain, or E.B. White. I didn’t even know who any of these people were, let alone be able to mimic their writing styles. Alice obviously had her forte’ in English and Miss Dennis favored her because of it. It made me sick. All of Miss Dennis’s attention would be on Alice, and when it wasn’t on Alice, it was on yelling at the rest of the class for minor grammatical errors. I even happened to notice that Alice would stay after class and talk to Miss Dennis. Now, I don’t know what they were talking about, but that is not my point. The point is that Miss Dennis preferred Alice over the rest of us and this is proved by the twos secret friendship demonstrated after class.
I do not view Miss Dennis nearly as admirably as Alice does. And I guess I do understand now why Alice praised her so highly. Alice had a bias view toward Miss Dennis because the two of them were like best friends. Sure, if some teacher gave me extra attention and ‘chilled’ with me after class to talk about stuff, then ya, I would consider them pretty cool. This is exactly the case with Alice Steinbach. “The Miss Dennis School of Writing” is not an accurate account of the freshmen English class because Alice received only the ‘nice’ side of Miss Dennis. I am offering my own experiences to show that Miss Dennis is not all that Alice ‘cracked her up to be.’ Miss Dennis was just a regular High School teacher, nothing special, besides the fact that she hated me and would always be yelling.
Steinbach, Alice. "The Miss Dennis School of Writing." The Norton Sampler. 6. New York: Norton and Company, 2003. Print.
Possibly, the reason that Alice was enamored by Miss Dennis was because she and her formed a special bond with each other. In class, Miss Dennis would scold Alice because she was writing like Colette, Mark twain, or E.B. White. I didn’t even know who any of these people were, let alone be able to mimic their writing styles. Alice obviously had her forte’ in English and Miss Dennis favored her because of it. It made me sick. All of Miss Dennis’s attention would be on Alice, and when it wasn’t on Alice, it was on yelling at the rest of the class for minor grammatical errors. I even happened to notice that Alice would stay after class and talk to Miss Dennis. Now, I don’t know what they were talking about, but that is not my point. The point is that Miss Dennis preferred Alice over the rest of us and this is proved by the twos secret friendship demonstrated after class.
I do not view Miss Dennis nearly as admirably as Alice does. And I guess I do understand now why Alice praised her so highly. Alice had a bias view toward Miss Dennis because the two of them were like best friends. Sure, if some teacher gave me extra attention and ‘chilled’ with me after class to talk about stuff, then ya, I would consider them pretty cool. This is exactly the case with Alice Steinbach. “The Miss Dennis School of Writing” is not an accurate account of the freshmen English class because Alice received only the ‘nice’ side of Miss Dennis. I am offering my own experiences to show that Miss Dennis is not all that Alice ‘cracked her up to be.’ Miss Dennis was just a regular High School teacher, nothing special, besides the fact that she hated me and would always be yelling.
Steinbach, Alice. "The Miss Dennis School of Writing." The Norton Sampler. 6. New York: Norton and Company, 2003. Print.
A Memo from FIDO (The Frustrated, Indignant Dog Organization)
What is this!? Or perhaps more accurately, who is this!? You’ll have to pardon me if I seem upset…because I am. Mrs. Hodgman has published this, this drivel, launching an unfounded and misdirected attack on the meals that my fellow canines and I choose to dine on. As a human being, in the loosest sense of the term, Hodgman has minimal license to comment on our diet, even considering her inane experimentation in tasting such, for the same reason that my compatriots and I refrain from voicing our opinions concerning the swill consumed by our bipedal “masters”. This is primarily because we are separate creatures from them and know little about the intricacies of their preferences. For this reason, we expect that Hodgman will consider her statements more carefully in the future.
Yours Sincerely,
FIDO
What is this!? Or perhaps more accurately, who is this!? You’ll have to pardon me if I seem upset…because I am. Mrs. Hodgman has published this, this drivel, launching an unfounded and misdirected attack on the meals that my fellow canines and I choose to dine on. As a human being, in the loosest sense of the term, Hodgman has minimal license to comment on our diet, even considering her inane experimentation in tasting such, for the same reason that my compatriots and I refrain from voicing our opinions concerning the swill consumed by our bipedal “masters”. This is primarily because we are separate creatures from them and know little about the intricacies of their preferences. For this reason, we expect that Hodgman will consider her statements more carefully in the future.
Yours Sincerely,
FIDO
No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch (R)
Hello, and welcome to Delightful Dinners with Kristen.
Tonight we're going to try a little something new. We'll be experimenting with dog food! Here with us tonight is renowned author, Ann Hodgman (and her dog Shortie). Ms. Hodgman has previously tried this experiment before and guarantees it will not be detrimental to your health.
First on the menu, the Gaines Burger. Now, Ms. Hodgman has oh-so-kindly informed us of the ingredients in these "burgers". She promises there are no meat by-products, only poultry by-products. The texture and taste are even the same thing! Can you say "Hello, Play-Doh"?
Next up, we have the Cycle series. Each cycle is for a different age group. According to Ms. Hodgman, if you are going to eat any one of these cycles, she suggests Cycle 4, for the elderly dogs. It happens to be the most edible, tasting like baked beans. Don't worry the only questionable ingredient would be "dried beef digest", all the rest check out just fine.
Kal Kan has a variety of options for us tonight, but we're only going to test Kal Kan Pedigree with Chunky Chicken and Kal Kan's Pedigree Select Dinners. First up, the Chunky Chicken, if you can even call it chicken, was lovely hunks of purplish meat (the chicken?) which happened to taste like meatloaf? Kan Kal's Pedigree Select Dinners, you know what, we're just going to skip over this one. I think I just saw a vein!
Onto the dry dog food! Now it's getting to the good part!
Gravy Train should be applauded for their truthful advertising. When you mix it with water, it really does make gravy! Although, I'm not sure where the train comes into play. All Purina dog foods are guaranteed to give your dog a nice, shiny coat; because that's just what I want for my dog to gain from dog food, nutrition isn't important or anything.
And last but not least, dessert, dog biscuits. We have with us Milk Bone Flavor Snacks, all seven flavors of them. Now, I'm going to be honest with you, there really is no difference in taste at all.
Oh no, it looks like we're out of time for today! This has been Kristen with Delightful Dinners. Join us next time for while we test out fish foods! Goodnight!
Here you go Shortie, we've got a feast for you. Here, boy!
Tonight we're going to try a little something new. We'll be experimenting with dog food! Here with us tonight is renowned author, Ann Hodgman (and her dog Shortie). Ms. Hodgman has previously tried this experiment before and guarantees it will not be detrimental to your health.
First on the menu, the Gaines Burger. Now, Ms. Hodgman has oh-so-kindly informed us of the ingredients in these "burgers". She promises there are no meat by-products, only poultry by-products. The texture and taste are even the same thing! Can you say "Hello, Play-Doh"?
Next up, we have the Cycle series. Each cycle is for a different age group. According to Ms. Hodgman, if you are going to eat any one of these cycles, she suggests Cycle 4, for the elderly dogs. It happens to be the most edible, tasting like baked beans. Don't worry the only questionable ingredient would be "dried beef digest", all the rest check out just fine.
Kal Kan has a variety of options for us tonight, but we're only going to test Kal Kan Pedigree with Chunky Chicken and Kal Kan's Pedigree Select Dinners. First up, the Chunky Chicken, if you can even call it chicken, was lovely hunks of purplish meat (the chicken?) which happened to taste like meatloaf? Kan Kal's Pedigree Select Dinners, you know what, we're just going to skip over this one. I think I just saw a vein!
Onto the dry dog food! Now it's getting to the good part!
Gravy Train should be applauded for their truthful advertising. When you mix it with water, it really does make gravy! Although, I'm not sure where the train comes into play. All Purina dog foods are guaranteed to give your dog a nice, shiny coat; because that's just what I want for my dog to gain from dog food, nutrition isn't important or anything.
And last but not least, dessert, dog biscuits. We have with us Milk Bone Flavor Snacks, all seven flavors of them. Now, I'm going to be honest with you, there really is no difference in taste at all.
Oh no, it looks like we're out of time for today! This has been Kristen with Delightful Dinners. Join us next time for while we test out fish foods! Goodnight!
Here you go Shortie, we've got a feast for you. Here, boy!
The Miss Dennis School of Writing (R)
The Miss Dennis School of Writing (R)
R- How to Write a Letter: The Candy Gram
Mary Wells
AP Hislish
Mr. Bruno
October 23, 2009
R- How to Write a Letter: The Candy Gram
You may be wondering why I’m dressed like a giant handwritten letter, right? Well that’s because you have a candy gram from Garrison Keillor himself! That’s right, I bet you’re excited. Well, here goes.
You may be shy
And want to cry
If people point you out
If they stop by
To conversate
You want to scream and shout
But you can’t seem to utter
A single little word,
And you become so worried
That you’ll never, ever be heard
Well never fear,
Yes don’t resign!
Write a letter instead,
A letter I say,
And don’t forget to sign!
Are you confused
At how to do
This simple, easy task?
While cut it out!
Stop that worry!
Sit down and relax!
Don’t be ashamed
If you and him
Haven’t talked in a while
The simple knowledge
Your letter’s for him
And he’s sure to smile!
So never fear,
Yes don’t resign!
Write a letter instead,
A letter I say,
Handwritten and dated,
And don’t forget to sign!
When composing this masterpiece
Just write anything
Anything at all
Make mistakes,
Describe the seven lakes,
Your fresh baked cakes,
You’re aunt’s teeth fakes,
That turtle of Jake’s
The funeral wakes,
A vampire’s stakes
The garden rakes
The recent earthquakes
Just make mistakes,
Do whatever you desire!
So never ever fear,
And don’t resign!
From this little task
Send it out,
The little letter,
And absolutely
Don’t forget
Please don’t forget
Yes don’t forget
To sign.
Keillor, Garrison. "How to Write A Letter." The Norton Sampler. 6. New York: Norton and Company, 2003. Print.
(R) No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch
Hey, Ann Hodgman here again with another exciting adventure in the world of animal food. Today I’m going to be exploring the world of the ferocious ferret and of course what they eat. This is probably going to be my most favorite segment due to the fact that I have always loved the curious nature of the ferret.
I had to do a little bit of research for this project due to the low popularity of ferret food, but I found 4 brands of feed that seemed the most interesting to me: Ferret Turkey-Venison-Lamb blend from totally ferret, the premium style of Evo ferret, 8 in 1 ferret chicken dinner from 8 and 1 ferret, and my favorite Browns. It was actually rather difficult to pick out 5 brands that looked the most appetizing due to the low amount of brands on the market, but ya gotta deal with what ya got.
First off I tried the 8 in 1 ferret chicken dinner; it was a meal inside a meal. The title wasn’t lying when it said 8 in one; this food had 8 different horrifying cycles to the never ending taste bud burning train. I actually had to endure, first, the wet, plastic like texture of the food and the dry chicken taste. That wasn’t even the worst part, when the food actually goes down your throat the adventure begins. You start to feel wheezy and have a burning sensation in your legs. The next 6 stages come with what comes up. I would advise that no one to even think of partaking of this dreaded dish. Luckily I was in for a treat for the next meal.
The next dish that continued my endeavor was the Evo ferret meal, which is said to release your inner carnivore. I had many doubts about my inner carnivore experiencing anything like a full awakening, but I began chomping down the dry cereal like substance. The first phase of this meal was actually quite delight able, with its rich turkey flavor. I actually believed that I was eating a full coarse turkey dinner. I can’t say great things about the second phase however. The bland chicken after taste left an agonizing taste in my mouth for almost thirty minutes. I recommend having a glass of water by your side if you ever attempt to eat this. All in all I would definitely recommend this to anyone willing to eat ferret food.
The third dish of my dim-witted adventure was the Ferret Turkey-Venison-Lamb blend. I would describe this as a torture of your taste buds. Even if I was trapped on an island, I would never eat this stuff again. The lamb and turkey gave it a blood filled flavor that destroyed my enjoyment of meat for a few months, but that’s not the worst part. The Venison flavor showed its true colors on its way down, this taste gave me the idea that I was eating road kill. I couldn’t stop screaming when I was eating this ferrets delight; I actually ran to my water cooler and drank straight from the faucet.
The last dish was probably the most awkward experience of my life. I decided to try the browns. This ferret’s nightmare is called browns for a reason. I’m not going to go into detail of what actually happened with the browns, due to its awkward nature, but I will recommend lots of pepto. Aside from the “brown” effect, the taste of this meal wasn’t actually all that bad. It gave me the feeling that I was eating a delicious chocolate power bar. The chocolaty goodness was too much for me to handle, thus resulting in, well you know what. Don’t let the taste fool you though, like I said before this has a special “brown” effect to it and may result in the loss of a toilet.
Luckily this was my last meal for the, and I was stuffed. Other than the fact that I was afraid to eat meat for a month and my bowels got a full cleaning service, this adventure wasn’t all that bad. Well that’s all have for you for this segment, join me next time for my adventure into the eatery of turtles.
I had to do a little bit of research for this project due to the low popularity of ferret food, but I found 4 brands of feed that seemed the most interesting to me: Ferret Turkey-Venison-Lamb blend from totally ferret, the premium style of Evo ferret, 8 in 1 ferret chicken dinner from 8 and 1 ferret, and my favorite Browns. It was actually rather difficult to pick out 5 brands that looked the most appetizing due to the low amount of brands on the market, but ya gotta deal with what ya got.
First off I tried the 8 in 1 ferret chicken dinner; it was a meal inside a meal. The title wasn’t lying when it said 8 in one; this food had 8 different horrifying cycles to the never ending taste bud burning train. I actually had to endure, first, the wet, plastic like texture of the food and the dry chicken taste. That wasn’t even the worst part, when the food actually goes down your throat the adventure begins. You start to feel wheezy and have a burning sensation in your legs. The next 6 stages come with what comes up. I would advise that no one to even think of partaking of this dreaded dish. Luckily I was in for a treat for the next meal.
The next dish that continued my endeavor was the Evo ferret meal, which is said to release your inner carnivore. I had many doubts about my inner carnivore experiencing anything like a full awakening, but I began chomping down the dry cereal like substance. The first phase of this meal was actually quite delight able, with its rich turkey flavor. I actually believed that I was eating a full coarse turkey dinner. I can’t say great things about the second phase however. The bland chicken after taste left an agonizing taste in my mouth for almost thirty minutes. I recommend having a glass of water by your side if you ever attempt to eat this. All in all I would definitely recommend this to anyone willing to eat ferret food.
The third dish of my dim-witted adventure was the Ferret Turkey-Venison-Lamb blend. I would describe this as a torture of your taste buds. Even if I was trapped on an island, I would never eat this stuff again. The lamb and turkey gave it a blood filled flavor that destroyed my enjoyment of meat for a few months, but that’s not the worst part. The Venison flavor showed its true colors on its way down, this taste gave me the idea that I was eating road kill. I couldn’t stop screaming when I was eating this ferrets delight; I actually ran to my water cooler and drank straight from the faucet.
The last dish was probably the most awkward experience of my life. I decided to try the browns. This ferret’s nightmare is called browns for a reason. I’m not going to go into detail of what actually happened with the browns, due to its awkward nature, but I will recommend lots of pepto. Aside from the “brown” effect, the taste of this meal wasn’t actually all that bad. It gave me the feeling that I was eating a delicious chocolate power bar. The chocolaty goodness was too much for me to handle, thus resulting in, well you know what. Don’t let the taste fool you though, like I said before this has a special “brown” effect to it and may result in the loss of a toilet.
Luckily this was my last meal for the, and I was stuffed. Other than the fact that I was afraid to eat meat for a month and my bowels got a full cleaning service, this adventure wasn’t all that bad. Well that’s all have for you for this segment, join me next time for my adventure into the eatery of turtles.
know wonder they call me, R
My life is fairly repetitive. During the day I may chew a few socks, slobber all over the house (yes, I do this for the attention), bark at those darn cats in the sewer and anything else I feel the urge to do. I’m fed twice a day, every day. My first meal is at 7:00, before my owner goes to work and then at 6:30, before her family has dinner. My meals are just your basic Purina dog chow, I’m not picky. It’s similar to the way my owner makes her son a sandwich everyday; nothing special, just the same thing day in and day out. But don’t get me wrong, I get excited when she pulls out the stuff. My tail develops a mind of its own and starts whipping back and forth and pretty soon my whole body is spastically rippling, from shoulders to tail.
So, you can imagine my shock when she pulls out a big, juicy, Gaines-burger. I see her wrinkle her nose as she delicately places it on the skillet. Once the gustatory perfection is done, she slowly lowers the spatula, lifts it off, and smack! All of my hopes and dreams are dashed away when my first love goes right into the kitchen sink. I suppose my heart could have handled it, if that was the last time this incident occurred; but it didn’t end there.
The next day while I am contentedly inhaling my dinner and I glance up, only to see my owner gazing reluctantly upon a pile of canned food sitting right there, on the table. She goes through this entire pile, can by can, without giving me so much of a sideward glance. That night I cried myself to sleep. By the time dinner rolls around the next day, I’ve got all figured out. She opens the bag of Purina. No response from me. I hear the food clank into my metal bowl. Still nothing on this end. She shakes the bowl around, saying “come on buddy!” I don’t even blink. She gives me a confused look and then walks over to the table, where she pulls out Kal Kan’s Pedigree Select Dinners. I sit down politely beside her chair and she sighs before causing a spectacle that included shrieking and breathing into a bag. Once she was done, she looks at me and says “never speak of this again”, as if I would tell anybody. By now I know she has lost her mind and I know that I am not man best friend, I am now officially mans worst enemy.
I start barking at her like she’s the darn queen of the darn sewer cats. Why? Because, you don’t see me snarfing down Haagen-Dazs, while she’s eating crackers. No, I sit here and have my meager chow, twice a day, every day. Never before as the taste of fancy dog food graced these taste buds, never have I asked for equal treatment until now.
The next day I watch her pull out some cereal after she has filled my bowl. My owner pours milk over it, takes a spoonful, and starts humming happily. I turn and begin my routine inhaling as my life settles back into the way it has always been. (And to this day, she still hasn’t realized that I ate the rest of her milk-bones.)
So, you can imagine my shock when she pulls out a big, juicy, Gaines-burger. I see her wrinkle her nose as she delicately places it on the skillet. Once the gustatory perfection is done, she slowly lowers the spatula, lifts it off, and smack! All of my hopes and dreams are dashed away when my first love goes right into the kitchen sink. I suppose my heart could have handled it, if that was the last time this incident occurred; but it didn’t end there.
The next day while I am contentedly inhaling my dinner and I glance up, only to see my owner gazing reluctantly upon a pile of canned food sitting right there, on the table. She goes through this entire pile, can by can, without giving me so much of a sideward glance. That night I cried myself to sleep. By the time dinner rolls around the next day, I’ve got all figured out. She opens the bag of Purina. No response from me. I hear the food clank into my metal bowl. Still nothing on this end. She shakes the bowl around, saying “come on buddy!” I don’t even blink. She gives me a confused look and then walks over to the table, where she pulls out Kal Kan’s Pedigree Select Dinners. I sit down politely beside her chair and she sighs before causing a spectacle that included shrieking and breathing into a bag. Once she was done, she looks at me and says “never speak of this again”, as if I would tell anybody. By now I know she has lost her mind and I know that I am not man best friend, I am now officially mans worst enemy.
I start barking at her like she’s the darn queen of the darn sewer cats. Why? Because, you don’t see me snarfing down Haagen-Dazs, while she’s eating crackers. No, I sit here and have my meager chow, twice a day, every day. Never before as the taste of fancy dog food graced these taste buds, never have I asked for equal treatment until now.
The next day I watch her pull out some cereal after she has filled my bowl. My owner pours milk over it, takes a spoonful, and starts humming happily. I turn and begin my routine inhaling as my life settles back into the way it has always been. (And to this day, she still hasn’t realized that I ate the rest of her milk-bones.)
No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch-Rodriguez
David Rodriguez
Mr. Bruno
Hislish
23 October 2009
R
No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch
In this essay, by Ann Hodgman, the author uses satire to subliminally criticize pet food products. An example of satire appears when Hodgman talks about Gaines-burgers. She says that the can was accurate when it said no meat by-products. She also says that the ingredients on the can did mention, however, poultry by-products- “right there next to preserved animal fat.” There are many other forms of satire throughout the essay and, while hard to believe that Hodgman actually ate pet food, I do not doubt the validity of home of her validity of some of her descriptions of pet foods.
No Wonder They Call me a Bitch (R)
As a Purina spokesman, I am often asked by curious owners, “What’s in this food I’m giving my dog?” Last week however, was a completely different story, when a woman called asking me what poultry by-products included, I expected the typical owner concerned about their dogs diet. However I was in for a surprise, when this woman informed me the reason for her inquiry was because she had been eating dog food. I became very interested in this woman, Ann Hodgmen and had her tell me all about her experience eating dog food.
Ann told me all about her childhood fantasies of eating Gaines-burgers, and how her fantasy was shattered by the Play-Doh like substance the burgers turned out to be. She described the differences in the stages canned food which was very interesting to listen to. Cycle 4 she found to be sweet like baked beans, and she said Cycle two reminded her of canned Swedish meatballs she had once had in college. I was very amused to hear that Ann found the Purina O.N.E. to be quite palatable, and much better than Butcher’s Blend. She believed this was because of the extreme amount of fat that was in O.N.E, or maybe the attractive design on the bag that we at Purina are famous for.
Although Ann’s story fascinated me I was quite worried about the health effects she would have considering poultry by-products which are in a lot of dog foods consist of necks, intestines, poultry heads and feet. However I was glad to hear from her last week, luckily she is healthy, and I was very relieved to hear she is no longer eating dog food. Ann has given me a viewpoint of the food that has never been known until now, how the food tastes. I will always think of Ann whenever someone asks what is in their dog’s food.
No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch (R)
Good evening everybody, this is NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams. Tonight we have special report pertaining to dog food. Several companies such as Purina and Pedigree are recalling some of their products due to health issues. Have you ever wondered what is really in your pet's favorite food? An article written by Ann Hodgman has recently uncovered the contents and taken a closer look at what your pet is really eating.
In a week-long study, food critic Ann Hodgman tested various types and brands of dog food. Often times the labels can be misleading, claiming things such as products containing real beef with no meat by-products. After taking a closer look at the Gaines-burgers Hodgman came to find that the label was correct, although it cointained poultry by-products including necks, intestines, undeveloped eggs and other "carcass remnants." She also taste tested most of the dog food in her study. Her nasuseating discriptions make us rethink what we give our pets to eat.
After her conclusive study many companies were quick to pull their products off the shelves. One spokesman from Purina proclaimed that the company was "unhappy with the quality of their products," saying that "if they're not fit for a person they are not fit for a dog." We expect to see more companies do the same as Purina. At this point it its unclear when we will be able to find their products on store shelves.
In a week-long study, food critic Ann Hodgman tested various types and brands of dog food. Often times the labels can be misleading, claiming things such as products containing real beef with no meat by-products. After taking a closer look at the Gaines-burgers Hodgman came to find that the label was correct, although it cointained poultry by-products including necks, intestines, undeveloped eggs and other "carcass remnants." She also taste tested most of the dog food in her study. Her nasuseating discriptions make us rethink what we give our pets to eat.
After her conclusive study many companies were quick to pull their products off the shelves. One spokesman from Purina proclaimed that the company was "unhappy with the quality of their products," saying that "if they're not fit for a person they are not fit for a dog." We expect to see more companies do the same as Purina. At this point it its unclear when we will be able to find their products on store shelves.
The Miss Dennis School of Writing (R)
My name is Miss Dennis. I am now a retired high school creative writings teacher, as you may have read in Alice Steinbach’s essay. When I became a teacher, I never had the intention of becoming so idolized by any of my students. My goal was to pull the writer out of every child. “Pay attention to what is going on around you, find your own voice”, I would say to my students. I beat it into their brains so that, if nothing else, they would apply that into their writing and their stories. This especially pertained to Alice as a student, who had a hard time incorporating this idea. Even so, I always saw great potential in her. My objective was to enhance my students’ levels of writing and to make sure that they took every opportunity they were given.
In college I majored in English. I spent all of my time reading and writing and finding ways to expand my ways of writing by studying authors and poets to whom I admired most. My last year of college, I was presented with an extraordinary opportunity to have a book I had written published and potentially known worldwide through a school-sponsored competition. Every candidate had to submit an essay and I was one of the top two contenders for the prize. However, when the winner was chosen, I fell short. My essay was returned to me with the errors later in the week, and with it, I was told that I had focused more on my ambitions and my own voice rather than the voice of others, I may have had ultimately prevailed. Even to this day, I still wonder what could have been.
However different my life may have been, I do not regret how my life has turned out. From my own life lesson, I have been able to teach my students the importance of putting themselves into their writing. I always pushed my students to do the best they could, whether I had to chase them around the classroom and threaten then with a yardstick or sit with them while they grieved about their losses, as Alice describes in The Miss Dennis School of Writing. As I said, I presumed that I would be this respected by one of my students; however, it gladdens me to know that my teachings did not go to waste. I am exceptionally proud to have been an inspiration to Alice Steinbach.
In college I majored in English. I spent all of my time reading and writing and finding ways to expand my ways of writing by studying authors and poets to whom I admired most. My last year of college, I was presented with an extraordinary opportunity to have a book I had written published and potentially known worldwide through a school-sponsored competition. Every candidate had to submit an essay and I was one of the top two contenders for the prize. However, when the winner was chosen, I fell short. My essay was returned to me with the errors later in the week, and with it, I was told that I had focused more on my ambitions and my own voice rather than the voice of others, I may have had ultimately prevailed. Even to this day, I still wonder what could have been.
However different my life may have been, I do not regret how my life has turned out. From my own life lesson, I have been able to teach my students the importance of putting themselves into their writing. I always pushed my students to do the best they could, whether I had to chase them around the classroom and threaten then with a yardstick or sit with them while they grieved about their losses, as Alice describes in The Miss Dennis School of Writing. As I said, I presumed that I would be this respected by one of my students; however, it gladdens me to know that my teachings did not go to waste. I am exceptionally proud to have been an inspiration to Alice Steinbach.
Once More to the Lake: memories
As children, not many people put into thought the idea of growing up. Frequently, we are more focused on what game we will play with our friends or what we will ask for when our birthday arrives. In Once More to the Lake by E. B. White, the story shows how the transformation from being a child to being an adult can sneak up on us.
White tells a story of his childhood in this passage. He tells of the many summers that his family ventured out to a lake throughout his childhood. Activities that they would do such as fishing are described in this story. It becomes clear that the summers in which his family traveled to that one lake are fond memories that he possesses.
After growing up and marrying his wife, E. B. White went on to have a son. He wished to share the same memories with his son that he shared himself with his father. For that reason, they traveled to the lake. White goes on to realize that he has suddenly switched roles. He is now the father figure, watching his child at the lake.
Many of the situations that he experiences with his son are things that he remembers experiencing himself. These things trigger memories from his childhood and at the same time create new memories for him to share with his son. In the last sentence of the story White says, “As he buckled the swollen belt, suddenly my groin felt the chill of death.” It seems like he is trying to comprehend the fact that he is no longer the child, trying to comprehend the fact that he may not have another child to share these memories with. However, he realized the fact that his son is now retaining many of the same memories that he has from his childhood with his father. Time passed by quickly, however due to the memories that were created, he can feel like a child again in a sense.
White tells a story of his childhood in this passage. He tells of the many summers that his family ventured out to a lake throughout his childhood. Activities that they would do such as fishing are described in this story. It becomes clear that the summers in which his family traveled to that one lake are fond memories that he possesses.
After growing up and marrying his wife, E. B. White went on to have a son. He wished to share the same memories with his son that he shared himself with his father. For that reason, they traveled to the lake. White goes on to realize that he has suddenly switched roles. He is now the father figure, watching his child at the lake.
Many of the situations that he experiences with his son are things that he remembers experiencing himself. These things trigger memories from his childhood and at the same time create new memories for him to share with his son. In the last sentence of the story White says, “As he buckled the swollen belt, suddenly my groin felt the chill of death.” It seems like he is trying to comprehend the fact that he is no longer the child, trying to comprehend the fact that he may not have another child to share these memories with. However, he realized the fact that his son is now retaining many of the same memories that he has from his childhood with his father. Time passed by quickly, however due to the memories that were created, he can feel like a child again in a sense.
Failure is a Good Thing (A)
Jon Carrol, the author of this essay, takes an interesting viewpoint on 'failure.' Instead of disliking it, he hopes and strives for failure, knowing that he will learn more that way. Beginner's luck is often what comes to mind with instant success, and many times immediate gratification is unnatural. He even wishes failure upon his own daughter, knowing it will help her learn and grow. I agree with the message of this essay; the idea that failure helps you learn exponentially more than success is very true. You learn from your mistakes more than your achievements, and are able to benefit from that knowledge later on. Jon Carrol discusses that fact that failure is an important part of life in this essay. This message is very true, and is well applied to several areas of life.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Miss Dennis School of Writing (R)
ALICE STEINBACH
journal of descriptions of this week's sightings on the way to school:
November 12
- saw a black cat with a white nose and paws lying on top of a blue convertible
- sunbeams shining in through the bus windows, reflecting off the dust in the air
- three brick fronted houses with black shutters in a row
- an old man in a red bathrobe picking up the newspaper off his driveway
- overgrown bushes, pushing past their reasonable limits and invading the rest of the yard
November 13
- white patio on which germaniums were planted in various sized pots
- woman wearing all black running gear, jogging to the beat coming from her headphones
- a mother walking a little boy in blue jeans and a red sweater to school
- a brick front house with green grass; the next door neighbors with brown grass
- sunshine falling in pools on the sidewalks, blocked in sections by trees and houses
November 14
- two large, brown dogs sleeping lazily under a large oak tree
- three young sisters wearing matching gingham dresses, smiling and their picture taken by their mother
- the houses’ chimneys alternated between the left and right sides of the houses
- ominous dark gray clouds hovering above the town
- the same old man picking his newspaper up from his driveway, though today he’s wearing a blue robe
November 15
- rain running down in streaks on the window panes of the bus
- few people outside; those who are carry large umbrellas in various colors and are hurrying down the street
- flowers in window boxes thirstily absorbing as much rain as possible
- three cats (one white, one orange striped, and one tabby) taking cover under a car
- young man struggling to close the top of his expensive convertible to protect it from the rain
November 16
- sun shining again after the heavy rain yesterday
- two middle-aged women out for a run together are trying to make conversation, but are struggling to breathe
- more cats than usual are outside; several dogs are also outside and tied to trees in front of various houses
- rainbow shining on the left side of the bus
- little girl and her mother are holding hands and wearing mother/daughter green dresses skipping down the street on their way to the preschool around the block
Steinbach, Alice. "The Miss Dennis School of Writing." The Norton Sampler. 6th. New York, NY: Norton & Company, 2003. Print.
journal of descriptions of this week's sightings on the way to school:
November 12
- saw a black cat with a white nose and paws lying on top of a blue convertible
- sunbeams shining in through the bus windows, reflecting off the dust in the air
- three brick fronted houses with black shutters in a row
- an old man in a red bathrobe picking up the newspaper off his driveway
- overgrown bushes, pushing past their reasonable limits and invading the rest of the yard
November 13
- white patio on which germaniums were planted in various sized pots
- woman wearing all black running gear, jogging to the beat coming from her headphones
- a mother walking a little boy in blue jeans and a red sweater to school
- a brick front house with green grass; the next door neighbors with brown grass
- sunshine falling in pools on the sidewalks, blocked in sections by trees and houses
November 14
- two large, brown dogs sleeping lazily under a large oak tree
- three young sisters wearing matching gingham dresses, smiling and their picture taken by their mother
- the houses’ chimneys alternated between the left and right sides of the houses
- ominous dark gray clouds hovering above the town
- the same old man picking his newspaper up from his driveway, though today he’s wearing a blue robe
November 15
- rain running down in streaks on the window panes of the bus
- few people outside; those who are carry large umbrellas in various colors and are hurrying down the street
- flowers in window boxes thirstily absorbing as much rain as possible
- three cats (one white, one orange striped, and one tabby) taking cover under a car
- young man struggling to close the top of his expensive convertible to protect it from the rain
November 16
- sun shining again after the heavy rain yesterday
- two middle-aged women out for a run together are trying to make conversation, but are struggling to breathe
- more cats than usual are outside; several dogs are also outside and tied to trees in front of various houses
- rainbow shining on the left side of the bus
- little girl and her mother are holding hands and wearing mother/daughter green dresses skipping down the street on their way to the preschool around the block
Steinbach, Alice. "The Miss Dennis School of Writing." The Norton Sampler. 6th. New York, NY: Norton & Company, 2003. Print.
Meg Hoioos (R)
As a pet dog, I’ve always enjoyed my mealtimes. I’m not spoiled, my owner buys the basic Purina Dog Chow, but I can’t complain. Every morning and every night, I stand in the kitchen waiting for my owner to pour the food, as my mouth waters. On rare occasions, she’ll buy me special treats, but there was one day in particular when my owner came home with bags full of different kinds of dog food. My eyes widened as she put the groceries away. I contemplated trying to rip open the bag myself, but decided against it once I weighed the consequences. She had bought almost every dog food I could think of and I couldn’t wait for dinner that night.
A little while later, I anxiously see my owner open the bag of Gaines Dog Burgers. They looked delicious, I was so excited to taste them! However, to my surprise, she gets out a pan and starts to cook it. What was she thinking? Then, in shock, I watch her eat the dog burger! She made a nasty face, but I longingly watched as she ate the burger, to me, it looked tantalizing. I’d never seen a human eat dog food before, it didn’t seem right. Here, she was feeding me average food, and herself, gourmet! For the rest of the week, I saw her eat the dog food and take notes about each type. One time she even had the nerve to say that now she knew why my breath smelled bad! I may be a dog, but I am conscience of my hygiene. I figured that once she tasted my food compared to the gourmet stuff, she would realize that I am not being fed the right meals, but maybe she thought my food tasted better. I’m still being fed the original Purina Dog Chow. Some people may think my owner is crazy, but I think she was just trying something new, all for me.
A little while later, I anxiously see my owner open the bag of Gaines Dog Burgers. They looked delicious, I was so excited to taste them! However, to my surprise, she gets out a pan and starts to cook it. What was she thinking? Then, in shock, I watch her eat the dog burger! She made a nasty face, but I longingly watched as she ate the burger, to me, it looked tantalizing. I’d never seen a human eat dog food before, it didn’t seem right. Here, she was feeding me average food, and herself, gourmet! For the rest of the week, I saw her eat the dog food and take notes about each type. One time she even had the nerve to say that now she knew why my breath smelled bad! I may be a dog, but I am conscience of my hygiene. I figured that once she tasted my food compared to the gourmet stuff, she would realize that I am not being fed the right meals, but maybe she thought my food tasted better. I’m still being fed the original Purina Dog Chow. Some people may think my owner is crazy, but I think she was just trying something new, all for me.
Nathan Morrison Readers Journal
Nathan Morrison
Readers Journal
October 10, 2007
Today, I decided to go for a hike in the woods with some buddies of mine. Within minutes, we had become hopelessly lost and I found myself walking all alone. This seemingly perilous situation didn’t bother me, as I reasoned that if I just kept walking in the same direction I would eventually find a road. While I was innocently walking along, I heard a rustling noise behind me just before I was tackled and stuffed into a bag. Moments before I blacked out I thought I could hear the eerie laughter of children and what sounded like the screams of my friends in the distance.
October 11, 2007
I woke up today in complete darkness trapped in a cold, metal container. A smell washed over me that was all too familiar. The smell of Fear. Then a horrible realization came over me: I couldn’t move my arms and legs. A silent scream echoed from my nonexistent mouth, and I began to panic. At that moment, my cage began to rattle and shake and was lifted up into the air, then upended. This made no difference to me, as I could no longer tell which way was up or down. As I once again faded into sleep, a new sound reached my brain. It sounded like the slightly rusted squealing of a spinning wheel.
October 13, 2007
It had been quiet today, but the visions kept coming. A nice, well-maintained house on a well-lit suburban street. Just the thought of it made me break out into a cold sweat. But in the nightmares it was always the same. Slow footsteps up to the porch, a key rasping against the lock, the slow creep of the door on its hinges, and then, finally, the darkness that lay within. The background noise was constant: sticks snapping, plastic rutling, the screams and muffled sobs. I am going to die out here. I know that now, and its my fault. It was my idea to go out into the woods; I was the one who insisted on dragging everyone else along. The rest of them are probably gone already. If anyone ever gets this, tell my parents I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
October 14, 2007
Crunch! Something bit into the hair above my head. A ray of blinding light shone through, and as I watched, trembling, it grew larger. The lid of my cage was pried off, and a giant hand reached in and grabbed me. The last thing I saw before being consumed was the pile of dog food cans in the corner, covered in small, dirty fingerprints.
Blair Witch Free Range Chicken Dog Food No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch Project
Readers Journal
October 10, 2007
Today, I decided to go for a hike in the woods with some buddies of mine. Within minutes, we had become hopelessly lost and I found myself walking all alone. This seemingly perilous situation didn’t bother me, as I reasoned that if I just kept walking in the same direction I would eventually find a road. While I was innocently walking along, I heard a rustling noise behind me just before I was tackled and stuffed into a bag. Moments before I blacked out I thought I could hear the eerie laughter of children and what sounded like the screams of my friends in the distance.
October 11, 2007
I woke up today in complete darkness trapped in a cold, metal container. A smell washed over me that was all too familiar. The smell of Fear. Then a horrible realization came over me: I couldn’t move my arms and legs. A silent scream echoed from my nonexistent mouth, and I began to panic. At that moment, my cage began to rattle and shake and was lifted up into the air, then upended. This made no difference to me, as I could no longer tell which way was up or down. As I once again faded into sleep, a new sound reached my brain. It sounded like the slightly rusted squealing of a spinning wheel.
October 13, 2007
It had been quiet today, but the visions kept coming. A nice, well-maintained house on a well-lit suburban street. Just the thought of it made me break out into a cold sweat. But in the nightmares it was always the same. Slow footsteps up to the porch, a key rasping against the lock, the slow creep of the door on its hinges, and then, finally, the darkness that lay within. The background noise was constant: sticks snapping, plastic rutling, the screams and muffled sobs. I am going to die out here. I know that now, and its my fault. It was my idea to go out into the woods; I was the one who insisted on dragging everyone else along. The rest of them are probably gone already. If anyone ever gets this, tell my parents I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.
October 14, 2007
Crunch! Something bit into the hair above my head. A ray of blinding light shone through, and as I watched, trembling, it grew larger. The lid of my cage was pried off, and a giant hand reached in and grabbed me. The last thing I saw before being consumed was the pile of dog food cans in the corner, covered in small, dirty fingerprints.
Blair Witch Free Range Chicken Dog Food No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch Project
No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch (R)
Working my daily job as a cashier at the local Piggly Wiggly last week, I experienced one of the most disturbing stories I had ever been encountered with. Normally at work I hear about a son or daughter who is sick, a teenager who is mad at a friend, or a families problems at home. Not that I want to pry into someone's life but it is a little difficult to keep your nose out of their business when they are talking right in front of you. The story of Ann Hodgman's experiment was one for my family at the dinner table.
I first noticed Ann Hodgman a Wednesday afternoon when she seemed to be buying amble amounts of dog food. I didn't think anything of it, maybe she had several dogs. It became suspicious though after her third day straight of buying new dog food. On Saturday I finally got enough nerve to ask her what she was doing with it all. She replied simply, "I am eating it." My first thought was GROSS! that can not be healthy. Our conversation continued and she explained that she had always wondered if the advertisements for dog food were true and what it tasted like. She wanted to experience what her precious Shortie went through at every meal.
Each day after when she returned, I would ask her how yesterdays food was. Day after day she would reply, "I'm still alive," and come to the counter for me to ring up her next three meals for the day.
Frankly, I think the woman is insane. I believe their is a reason that animal's breath stinks, they drink water from the toilet, and they only live to be about 10 years old. I will never forget Ann Hodgman, the lady who ate dog food.
I first noticed Ann Hodgman a Wednesday afternoon when she seemed to be buying amble amounts of dog food. I didn't think anything of it, maybe she had several dogs. It became suspicious though after her third day straight of buying new dog food. On Saturday I finally got enough nerve to ask her what she was doing with it all. She replied simply, "I am eating it." My first thought was GROSS! that can not be healthy. Our conversation continued and she explained that she had always wondered if the advertisements for dog food were true and what it tasted like. She wanted to experience what her precious Shortie went through at every meal.
Each day after when she returned, I would ask her how yesterdays food was. Day after day she would reply, "I'm still alive," and come to the counter for me to ring up her next three meals for the day.
Frankly, I think the woman is insane. I believe their is a reason that animal's breath stinks, they drink water from the toilet, and they only live to be about 10 years old. I will never forget Ann Hodgman, the lady who ate dog food.
Purina's rebuttle to No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch, R
Colin Faherty
Mr. Bruno
AP English and Composition
October 21, 2009
Purina’s Rebuttal
I am a representative from Purina™ Food Company who recently read a disturbing article written by Ann Hodgman. It was entitled “No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch” this was a disgusting article that represents dog food in general in a bad light. I think that my colleges at Mighty Dog and Bonz will agree that this is a complete misrepresentation of our products.
This food was not made for human consumption although Purina™ has been thinking about opening up a branch devoted to human cuisine. What may seem disgusting for us is a delight to Spike or Princess. As for my esteemed colleague at general foods makers of the fine Gaines Burger, they have devoted the better part of their life trying to perfect the Gaines Burger and the "Improved Gaines-Burgers Cheese". This article has done terrible things to their business. Although they are still selling large amounts due to their exquisite taste, fewer people are switching from other brands. This article was crass and insensitive towards the better interests of these companies. Ms. Hodgman I hope you feel satisfied with your “wit” and “humor.”
The amount of disgusting detail that Ms. Hodgman uses is what really offends me. Who wants to know if there was a “long grey vein” trailing from the piece of meat you tried. The fact that Cheese had the consistency of Play-Doh seems to me to be irrelevant this disgustingly descriptive language is not necessary. Dog food is an art. It is not garbage to be gagged at. I believe that any true dog lovers will boycott Ms. Hodgman article from now on. She even has the audacity to mock our carefully thought out advertizing for our Purina O.N.E. Premium dog food. Of course, people want to read a list of the benefits their dog will get from eating our food. Nutrition is important for every one especially our four legged friends.
At least she admits that some of the food is palatable. She is a great taste tester. She can tell the difference between mediocre dog food and superior dog food such as Purina O.N.E. I truly doubt that she was, “duped by the packaging.” A good taste tester knows quality when they taste it. Another thing I did not understand was why she did not let her dog taste the food. It is animal cruelty to eat something as delicious as Purina in front of a hungry dog. I doubt that the dog’s opinions would be so high and mighty. He would probably love every single type of dog food she tested especially Purina. The fact that he was not given even one morsel of food is the most sickening thing I have ever heard.
I hope that Ms. Hodgman sticks to testing human food and leaves the advanced formulating of dog food to professionals. The best dog food is enjoyable to dogs only not to humans. Everyone knows that. I think that it would be best for all of us to forget this entire thing ever happened, especially the part About Bonz “Looking like the sludge that collects in the treads of my running shoes” and “bursting with tiny hairs.”
Mr. Bruno
AP English and Composition
October 21, 2009
Purina’s Rebuttal
I am a representative from Purina™ Food Company who recently read a disturbing article written by Ann Hodgman. It was entitled “No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch” this was a disgusting article that represents dog food in general in a bad light. I think that my colleges at Mighty Dog and Bonz will agree that this is a complete misrepresentation of our products.
This food was not made for human consumption although Purina™ has been thinking about opening up a branch devoted to human cuisine. What may seem disgusting for us is a delight to Spike or Princess. As for my esteemed colleague at general foods makers of the fine Gaines Burger, they have devoted the better part of their life trying to perfect the Gaines Burger and the "Improved Gaines-Burgers Cheese". This article has done terrible things to their business. Although they are still selling large amounts due to their exquisite taste, fewer people are switching from other brands. This article was crass and insensitive towards the better interests of these companies. Ms. Hodgman I hope you feel satisfied with your “wit” and “humor.”
The amount of disgusting detail that Ms. Hodgman uses is what really offends me. Who wants to know if there was a “long grey vein” trailing from the piece of meat you tried. The fact that Cheese had the consistency of Play-Doh seems to me to be irrelevant this disgustingly descriptive language is not necessary. Dog food is an art. It is not garbage to be gagged at. I believe that any true dog lovers will boycott Ms. Hodgman article from now on. She even has the audacity to mock our carefully thought out advertizing for our Purina O.N.E. Premium dog food. Of course, people want to read a list of the benefits their dog will get from eating our food. Nutrition is important for every one especially our four legged friends.
At least she admits that some of the food is palatable. She is a great taste tester. She can tell the difference between mediocre dog food and superior dog food such as Purina O.N.E. I truly doubt that she was, “duped by the packaging.” A good taste tester knows quality when they taste it. Another thing I did not understand was why she did not let her dog taste the food. It is animal cruelty to eat something as delicious as Purina in front of a hungry dog. I doubt that the dog’s opinions would be so high and mighty. He would probably love every single type of dog food she tested especially Purina. The fact that he was not given even one morsel of food is the most sickening thing I have ever heard.
I hope that Ms. Hodgman sticks to testing human food and leaves the advanced formulating of dog food to professionals. The best dog food is enjoyable to dogs only not to humans. Everyone knows that. I think that it would be best for all of us to forget this entire thing ever happened, especially the part About Bonz “Looking like the sludge that collects in the treads of my running shoes” and “bursting with tiny hairs.”
R; The Miss Dennis School of Writing
Report Card Alice Steinbach
Creative Writing 9
A-
Alice,
You have shown tremendous progress in my class this year, and your grade on this report card shows it! I am glad that you have decided to move past your silly imitations of different authors, even E.B. White. I would much rather read a Ms. Steinbach original. As I told you before, it is perfectly acceptable to realize what you are saying as you say it. If you ever need to talk about your father, remember that I am here for you. I am enclosing a collection of poems by Emily Dickinson with your report card. I know they will speak to you. I have thoroughly enjoyed having you as a student this year, Alice, and I wish you the best of luck in the future. Remember, wherever you go, pay attention!
Yours Truly,
Miss Dennis
Creative Writing 9
A-
Alice,
You have shown tremendous progress in my class this year, and your grade on this report card shows it! I am glad that you have decided to move past your silly imitations of different authors, even E.B. White. I would much rather read a Ms. Steinbach original. As I told you before, it is perfectly acceptable to realize what you are saying as you say it. If you ever need to talk about your father, remember that I am here for you. I am enclosing a collection of poems by Emily Dickinson with your report card. I know they will speak to you. I have thoroughly enjoyed having you as a student this year, Alice, and I wish you the best of luck in the future. Remember, wherever you go, pay attention!
Yours Truly,
Miss Dennis
R: No Wonder They Call Me A Bitch
Dear Ann Hodgman,
My name is Jim Parker and I am a spokesman from the Purina dog food company. To follow up on your earlier question on what our poultry by-products consisted of in our delicious product of “Gaines-Burgers”. Our first answer we gave you was necks, intestines, undeveloped eggs, and other carcass remnants; we also said that it did not consist of feathers, heads, or feet. I regret to inform you that this statement was incorrect. It turns out our poultry by-products do consist of poultry heads and feet, but there are no undeveloped eggs in the product.
Now although our “Gaines-Burger” product is safe and healthy for canines, we do not know the effect it will have on your diet. Therefore since the product is meant for canines, we are not liable for any health related issues pertaining to our products, in the case of humans. If you have any questions with regards to the information of this letter, please contact us.
Sincerely,
Jim Parker
Head of Public Administration
Hodgman, Ann. “No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch.” The Norton Sampler. 6th. New York, NY: Norton & Company, 2003. Print
My name is Jim Parker and I am a spokesman from the Purina dog food company. To follow up on your earlier question on what our poultry by-products consisted of in our delicious product of “Gaines-Burgers”. Our first answer we gave you was necks, intestines, undeveloped eggs, and other carcass remnants; we also said that it did not consist of feathers, heads, or feet. I regret to inform you that this statement was incorrect. It turns out our poultry by-products do consist of poultry heads and feet, but there are no undeveloped eggs in the product.
Now although our “Gaines-Burger” product is safe and healthy for canines, we do not know the effect it will have on your diet. Therefore since the product is meant for canines, we are not liable for any health related issues pertaining to our products, in the case of humans. If you have any questions with regards to the information of this letter, please contact us.
Sincerely,
Jim Parker
Head of Public Administration
Hodgman, Ann. “No Wonder They Call Me a Bitch.” The Norton Sampler. 6th. New York, NY: Norton & Company, 2003. Print
A: All Seven Deadly Sins Committed at the Church Bake Sale
I find it amusing that even self-respecting women who are actively involved in their church commit some of the deadliest sins know to the Catholic Church. Or even more fascinating, how did the church never see the “sinful” competition that always takes place at fund-raisers? It did not surprise me to find that the women, and not the men, were the ones in battle with each other. Since the beginning of history, women have attempted to knock each other down in order to feel more worthy, and this itself is one of the deadliest sins, pride. Connie, being the center of attention at the St. Mary's twice-annual bake sale, basked in the compliments she is given for her cookies, cakes, and brownies. While the obese Betty Wicks (245 lb.) committed the sin of gluttony as she practically inhaled every treat on Connie's table. I appreciate the author's mention of Wicks' gluttony at “most Friday nights at Old Country Buffet”, for it add to the satirical tone of the article. The lusting of 20-year-old Melissa Wyckoff ridiculed the jealousy between Jilly Brandon and her husband Craig Brandon (after he offered her a Rice Krispie treat to welcome her to the church). Jilly's critical tone is so realistic that I couldn't help but laugh at the image of a stuffy conservative woman scorning her husband for befriending Melissa in her scandalous red dress. But it is not only men that committed the sin of lust, women were often caught ogling the handsome Father Mark. This bit of information almost makes the church bake sale seem like a soap opera plot, the aged women lusting for the priest and their husbands skirt-chasing young women? Things seem to meet the standards of your average soap opera, until the author mentions the elimination of the “Guess Your Weight” booth from the fund-raiser, for such crude irony is only ever seen in the real world.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
R The Miss Dennis School of Writing by Alice Steinbach
Carol Dennis
January 20, 1907- August 1, 1957
Baltimore Maryland
This past weekend, Carol Dennis of Baltimore, Maryland passed away at the age of 50 from cancer. Carol Dennis was known to many as "Miss Dennis" for she was a teacher the majority of her life. All of Carol Dennis's students loved and admired her passion for teaching. She taught creative writing at a local high school and drilled all her knowledge into her students. A past student described "Miss Dennis" as the epitome of the saying "big things come in small packages." Her petite size, apricot hair, and large glasses were physical characteristics that she was described to possess. As a writer herself, Carol Dennis had experiences that she was able to communicate to her classes. She urged her students to create their own voice and describe everything with excessive detailing. Daily, Miss Dennis would push her classes to grow as writers and she never gave up on them. Many students mentioned the connection that she shared with them and how comfortable she made their class. This incredible woman and teacher served as a great role model for hundreds of students as she always went beyond the expected. Miss Dennis left this world with little close family, but she had built her own with all of her students as her children. Carol Dennis is to be remembered through her spunky personality and her amazing abilities as a teacher and writer. Her brother Edward Dennis will hold the funeral at Thompson Funeral Home this Friday morning at 11 a.m. Donations for the costs of the funeral will be accepted on Friday or through the mail to Edward.
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